Teasing.....Kids can be so mean!!!

[spdbrn]

Hello!

I just found out that kids (one grade older) have been teasing my second grader during lunch at school. They are calling him Chinese Eyes (he is a Korean adoptee) and laughing. The teacher and aides at the school are not aware that this has happened. My son is VERY PRIVATE and doesn't want to bring any attention to what is happening.

So.....I'm looking for thoughts, experiences....anything? I've been happy living in my dream world where nothing bad happens...not realistic of me but it was nice while it lasted. We have the book "Chinese Eyes" which is good for this situation...it has been a good conversation starter this weekend. I'm interested in any other book recommendations for my kids or myself....what should I be saying to my kids? Should I approach the school? His teacher? Principal?

I know other adoptive parents who have been in a similar situation. Most seem to bring the issue to the principal or further. It doesn't feel right to me. I think my son and I are in agreement that we do NOT want anything to be said to the "teasers" as we don't want to provoke further comments. We have purchased 2 copies of the book "Chinese Eyes" for the school library and 1 copy for my son's class. Also, one girl stood up to the "teasers" in defense of my son. We are giving her a free book from our school book fair in thanks -- the book will be presented to her from the principal in thanks for following the schools behavior rules -- and our names will not be included.

Am I wrong in taking a "'quieter" approach to what has happened? I don't want to minimize what my son is feeling or what has happened. I just don't know what to do.....

Any help or ideas would be appreciated!!!!
Thanks,
Spdbrn

[Pat Johnston]

Am I wrong in taking a "'quieter" approach to what has happened? I don't want to minimize what my son is feeling or what has happened. I just don't know what to do.....

I agree that for many kids parents taking a more low-key approach than going straight to the principal and having the teasers "called out" is better than having the quiet child feel even more of a "spectacle" than he is already feeling due to the teasing. However, I don't support being so low-key about it that these concrete-thinking bullies (yes, this is a kind of bullying) don't "get" that what they are doing is unacceptable.

What I would suggest is that you go straight to the teachers involved (both your son's and the teachers of the older kids) and explain what is going on on the playground. Ask them to brainstorm with you about how best to handle this situation that is sensitive to your child's desire not to be the "cause of trouble" for those bigger kids. Having the book Chinese Eyes read in each class along with a short discussion of adoption would be helpful. If the teacher or librarian won't take this on, I'd encourage you to find ANOTHER adoptive parent (not you) to do this (you can do it for her kid's class should it become a good idea.)

Now would be a good time for you to buy a copy of the book The W I S E Up Powerbook. This is a workbook for parents to use with kids to help them learn how to deal with difficult adoption-related comments and questions. It helps to teach kids four tools for doing so. Depending on the situation, they can Walk away, they can say "It's private", they can Share some information that they practiced at home, they can Educate others with facts.

Helping your child to learn how to respond in a way that makes him feel competent and powerful, but not mean, will go a long way towards helping him deal with the racism and adoptism that are bound to be a part of his life for a long while. Helping the school to learn how to respond to these same things will help not just your child, but others!

Hope this helps!

Pat