Adoptive parenting question-birthfather

[mom2one]

Hi Pat,
It's been several years since I have been to this site. We adopted our son over 5 years ago through an open adoption. We have a very good relationship with his birthmom and her family. We don't know birthdad at all and have never met him. The agency required his birthmom to list any "possible" birthfathers (I think they gave her a window of time and she was expected to list any contacts during that time). Birthmom is confidant of one birthfather and I think has pretty much never considered any of the other "possibilities" as being the birthfather--no paternity testing was ever done. However, our son is now starting to ask some questions about his birthdad and "when will I get to meet him" and that sort of thing. I am uncertain how to answer this and so far have just told him we don't know his birthdad, but his birthmom can tell him more next time we talk to her and that we might or might not get to meet him. I have always had the impression that the birthdad didn't want to actively participate in the adoptive decision making---he just signed papers and agreed to what birthmom chose. At what point should we attempt (if at all) to contact the birthfather ourselves on our son's behalf? I don't know what answers he's looking for at his age (6).

[Pat Johnston]

Welcome back, Mom2One! You ask an interesting question. The first thing I would do is have a private conversation with your son's birthmother and let her know that your son has been asking questions about his birthfather and that you think that eventually he is going to want more information. Ask her about the certainty of the person she named being the birthfather of your son. Does she know how to reach this man? Also ask her if she would be willing to talk to your son about his birthfather. Her answers will help you answer your son's questions.

Obviously the truth--and you want to give him only true answers--is that you don't know his birthfather or how to reach him right now. Tell him that even though you don't know his address, he could write a letter to his birthfather and put it into his file at the adoption agency in case his birthfather asks for it. Tell him that he can write such a letter any time he wants, and that you will help him.

As for making contact, most experts suggest that when an adoption has not been open from the beginning, the best time for contact is during high school--at the time when questions become more pressing but the child remains in the safe cocoon of his family, who can help him sort out what he learns--which can be good OR bad.

There are a couple of books I can recommend: Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child by Schooler and Keefer and the other is Opening a Closed Adoption by Patricia Martinez Dorner. Both have lots of examples

[mom2one]

Thanks for the input!

I guess in my mind I'd been thinking of the whole thing as "open" when of course in fact, the birthfather has not chosen to have an open adoption. So that's very helpful to think of it that way. I'm sure his birthmom will be willing to talk to our son and answer whatever she can about birthdad. She's quite certain about him being the birthdad. And that idea of writing something to him via the agency is a great one---why didn't I think of that! Probably because all our other contact is directly with the family.
Thanks!

[mom2one]

Be Careful Gravy59

First, I am not sure what your post is about but I suspect troll activity and this board--especially this moderated board will not allow it.
If you have something worth saying in response to my question please do so, otherwise take yourself off this board and off your and find another venue to rant in.