Angry with husband don't know why.

[momatheart]

I am new to the whole internet chat thing and new to this sight but I have to get this out. I can't talk to family about anything cause they don't see the issue. I woke up this morning and AF is here for a visit. I bit off my DH's head off for not giving me a good morning kiss. Will after the first reaction of hurt on his face I went on a rampage. He has never failed to kiss me good morning but I was up before him today. I told him about AF and he said "OK" that was it just "OK". When it comes to our infertility it is my fault, I have PCOS and immune problem. I thought that I had come to terms with our problem being me but I guess I havn't. I told him this morning I want a Hysterictomy and to adopt. He said no because we havn't been trying long enough, we have been trying for 5 years and he won't even consider me going on meds besides metformin. I told him I am tired of trying without help and that this is missing with my head. He said we have time and not worry about it. I am 34 he is 37, but according to him we have all the time in the world. Does anyone out there have a DH like mine? I am starting to think maybe our marriage just isn't worth it anymore. Or maybe He feels cheated because he married a person who is broken and can't give him a child of his own. He won't even consider going to counselling or me be depressed. I know he loves me but he won't talk to me about how he feels about my failure as a wife. Please if there is anyone else out there going through the same things please let me know. I need to know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

[LizODonnell]

Dealing with Anger

Absolutely you are NOT the only one who feels this way. Although I am generally speaking as a professional on this Board I have also disclosed my own 6 year struggle with infertility. Everything you describe sounds so familiar to me. I can remember times when if my DH said anything that sounded remotely like he was happy at times when I felt that my heart was breaking and my world falling apart I was easily overcome by a desire to bash his head in. It was because I didn't feel as though anyone understood the gravity of the loss that I experienced every time my period came, and, that if I didn't inflict pain on somebody then I wouldn't be able to live with my disappointment in myself.

After 5 years of trying I suspect your decision to have a hysterectomy feels like a desperate attempt to gain some control over your reproductive life - at least you will be able to put down the 'what if's' once and for all. It also sounds as though DH 's coping strategy is to minimize the situation and that one of the ways you try to get his attention is to up the ante - which clearly doesn't work. Perhaps if you sit down and think about the dynamic that has developed between you around your IF you will be able to see that this is probably getting in the way of either of you having a different conversation. Both of you sound sensitized to the other's way of seeing the problem. He thinks you over-react and you think he has retreated and buried his head in the sand - recruiting more evidence to prove that you are right isn't likely to convince him. I think that seeing a counselor is a good idea and if he isn't ready to go right now I think that you could benefit from going to see someone alone to help you figure out all of the emotions and decisions that you are struggling with. If you see yourself as the problem and you are insisting that he speak to you about how you have failed him as a wife he probably hasn't got a clue of how to change your mind about that. It sounds as though it has been dangerous for either one of you to listen to the other for sometime and you have taken on the job of filling in his blanks. I would caution that what you think he thinks of you is more likely a reflection of what you think of yourself. After all it sounds to me as though what you are saying is "what kind of a man would want to stay with a woman who can't have children?"

You sound as though you are in a place where you see little value in yourself, this is painful and frightening, and somebody in your life needs to be able to hold you and say you mean something important to me until you are in a place where you can once again say it to yourself. Be kind, be kind, be kind, to you - you need it, you deserve it. The morning kiss was like a punctuation mark at the end of the period you didn't want - it only means what meaning you decide to give it and when your heart aches it is hard to come up with something that won't make it ache more. Perhaps there is a Resolve group in your area - you might check the main website - or keep posting here - I hope one of my suggestions helps kindest Liz

[momatheart]

Thanks for listening

Thanks for listening, will kinda. It really helped just to get it out. My DH read it and we talked about how we both fell and how we are both dealing with it differently. We are going to quit taking each others felling for granting and talk more on how things are.
He has agreed to try private adoption again. We tried about this time last year and the mother changed her mind. So maybe this time round we will be able to receive the baby.
Again thanks for the ear and advice.

[kcf1971]

Coming into this discussion late (m/c)

Hi there,

After I suffered a loss earlier this year, I found myself getting angry with DH all the time, mainly for not reacting to the loss exactly as I did.

It took me a long time to realize that I was angry at him because I was much more confortable being angry than being sad. When I was angry, I felt in control and powerful (albeit mean and sometimes pretty ugly). Grieving felt vulnerable and very, very scary -- what if I got deep down into an emotional pit and couldn't crawl back out?

Therapy helped a lot, so did talking to DH. When I told him how every time my period came, it was a loss, he held me and told me he experiences it as a loss too. But he tries not to show that because he doesn't want to make me more sad.

I'm glad you talked and are trying adoption again. Keep us posted.

Warmly,
Kate

[LizODonnell]

Thanks for Sharing

I always appreciate when people update where they go after they post here - thanks also for continuing to share your insights - knowing that others get through the roller coaster die of IF keeps the hope alive - kindest Liz