Do I need therapy?

[Guest]

After 3 m/c's and one premature still born son, I now have three beatutiful daughters (ages 2, 5 and 6) due to immune treatments.

When I started having m/c's we had recently moved to a new state. All of our friends were more aquaintences, and when I began to MC, (especially after my still born) people avoided me. one lady later told me "Nobody knows what to say to you, it's good that you're leaving" after we announced that we were going to leave our current church for a new one. i was devastated to have it confirmed that I wasn't wanted. I had the feeling that this was the case. Her words only confirmed as much.

Having no solidified friendships, I learned to endure my lossses on my own. My husband had his own way of dealing with our losses, so even being married, I was very much alone in my grief. Still am.

Although, after 7 year, I have come to accept my losses. However, I have never escaped from my sense of abandonment from others. I haven't had a close friendship for over 7 years. A part of me misses it. Another part of me is too afraid and too used to being "alone." No one has been close to me in quite some time. It's not from lack of trying. I go out with people. Attend events, I have many friends, but no close friends.

I used to be outgoing, and I thrived on friendships. Now, I'm such a loner.

Is this normal? Can I function this way? Or do I need therapy? I'm still married, after 15 1/2 years. We have our bumpy spots but all and all things are pretty good.

But there's no close friendships. I know this is directly from my experience of abandonment during my days of m/C's. Do I need to seek emotional help?

I'm mostly happy, but I do miss having close friendships. It's just not happening. I'm aware of an emotional wall, but I don't know how to break it down.

any insights?

[LizODonnell]

Re: Do I need Therapy?

Hi There - I think in many ways you have responded to your own questions. Miscarriage and pregnancy loss is devastating. It doesn't sound as though you have been able to talk about how deeply this impacted you. It is true that often because people do not know what to say when someone is struggling with grief that they encourage them to fast forward through their pain as though getting to the other side of it can both erase what has happened and its effects.

Even if you believe that you have been able to put the sadness from that time into some perspective you are living with the legacy of not having shared a profound period of your life with someone who understood what you were going through. As a consequence you not only lost friendships but also the sense that an intimate friendship would be possible again. The mistake that loved ones make in not acknowledging that tragedy is a lived experience that stays with us in some form actually hinders full healing. Just because you cannot fix or change what has happened doesn't mean that there is no benefit from talking about it - being held and comforted is part of what affirms our need to know that life goes on after loss and can still be joyful - despite perhaps the guilt sometimes associated with feeling pleasure again.

People are often tempted to say to us in our grief "well that was then and you must move on" saying this doesn't help us to move anywhere actually it often keeps us stuck wondering what it is we need to do to be heard, seen, validated, or simply be told "I get it". I would encourage you to come up with another world other than 'normal' to describe what you are feeling - if it is about you and reflects you then it is important. I don't know how old you are but you describe having lost closeness in your life 7 years ago while you were going through such a difficult time trying to build a family - I suspect therefore that the time before this period looked different and that you felt differently about yourself (that probably adds up to a lot of years) - you are in many ways saying I miss that person and I would like to find her. You also state that you are aware of the emotional wall but are not sure how to begin to take out the bricks and still feel safe. I think that a counselor/psychotherapist can help you to do this. I don't think that seeking help means that you are incapacitated or 'sick' it means that you are ready to explore a time in your life that brought great pain so that you can integrate it into who you have become and who you would like to grow toward in the future.

Much of this is also influenced by where you are in your life with respect to your marriage, your role as a parent, your expectations for yourself as a human being and your reflections on what purpose you believe you have in the world. I would say GO FOR IT - a good therapist can travel with you to great places - in kindness Liz