Dear Liz

[almaaz]

I wanted to give you an update and ask for your advice . I had posted earlier after my latest BFN . It was a bad time for me . I am not sure how much of it was hormones and how much real depression from the BFN . Thankfully I am feeling much better , still have difficulties if encountered with specific situations with kids/pregnant women etc . With the holidays approaching , I am somewhat apprehensive . I have atleast a couple of parties that I want to attend , but invariably when talk goes to pregnancies/kids , I feel very conscious and left out . What should I do ? So far we have not shared our infertility struggle with these friends and it is becoming increasingly difficult . With my age I know people must think something is wrong . They dont ask , and I havent found a way to talk about it . And I certainly dont think that I could do that in these parties with all the people around and me at my worst . I hope you can get what I am saying . Any advice will be appreciated . You truly helped me a lot the last time .

[LizODonnell]

Getting Through The Holidays

Hi There - good to hear you are feeling better than last time you posted. Thanksgiving is the beginning of a very tough period and I know that it can be tempting to believe that there might be little to give thanks for however, you are here and yearning to bring a child into the world, your world, so it is important to connect to the hope you have inside that drives you in this direction.

I would encourage you to begin by talking to DH about your journey thus far - what does it mean for each of you? How comfortable are you both with talking to each other let alone anyone else about the feelings that have been evoked as a result of IF? You need to come to a place of union over how you face the world together. What do you want to tell others about your struggle? Choosing what you will say rather than how you will hide is critical. I often have couples sit down and process their own feelings so that they can come up with something that reflects their experience as a couple. This way you know that whomever you might speak to at a family or celebratory event both of you will be saying the same thing. Hoping that people will not ask questions is not realistic - knowing what you want to say whether they do or not is entirely something that you have power over - this is important when you are feeling so powerless over your own reproduction.

There is no obligation to provide intimate answers just because the question feels intimate - we often make the assumption that being asked anything requires us to give a response. On the other hand I don't think it is helpful to be aggressive or angry - anger feeds off us and can be very destructive - that does not mean that infertility is not experienced as an injustice and therefore it can feel as though your job is to fight for that justice - but you want to pick your battles so that you don't always feel as though you are on the wrong side of life.

Practice what it is you would like to say so that you are confident you and your partner are on the same page. Also, and I think that this is very important - have an agreement with each other before hand that if things get tough that it will be OK to leave early - I suggest that you have a cue prepared whether it is a word or a gesture - something that both of you understand means that the other person is ready to go no questions asked. It is paramount that you have each other's back at a time when it might feel as though the whole world has been shut off to you. Hope this help - kindest Liz