Do you ever really "get over it"?

[Guest]

Does the pain ever go away? We found out that my DH has a extremly low count which is why we can't concieve. We think it's a result of his job in the military.

We have had one roller coaster after another with all the stuff we have been through. I recently found out that the military had lied to me medically. At one point I knew I was pregnant, but they told me no and acted like I was crazy. I was then put on medication to "regulate" my cycles, which I later found out was to induce a miscarriage. What they "forgot" to tell me was I had en ectopic pregnancy. They never told me, let alone gave me a choice to try to save the pregnancy.

So now here we are, my husband was zapped by RF waves and we can't get pregnant. We decided against IVF, and don't want to adopt. I have a son, who was concieved when I was raped, and I love him to pieces but I can't help wanting to have a baby because of love. I just feel like I will never be able to look at a pregnant woman without hatred. My friends don't understand, they all have kids and don't know what it's like to go thru the pain of being told you have no chance of having a baby. When we were going to the doctors to find out what was wrong, my family didn't belive us when we said it was infertility. I was told (by a less than thoughtful relative) "your just hiding a pregnancy", I ended up telling them off. They still don't understand, or even try.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of hating family and friends who are pregnant, when I know I should be happy for them. It's been years and the pain and sorrow are still here. So I guess my question is "Will the pain ever go away?" "Will my life ever be even remotely like it was before my life went to #$%**?"

[LizODonnell]

Things Do Change

Hi There - I am sorry that your post wasn't responded to before today - Please know that where you are now will not always feel this devastating however, as I have so often said on this page before, getting through the kind of grief that you describe requires at least one or two people around you who do understand. The sense of loneliness and abandonment that you feel is real - the desire to create a child with someone that you love represents the commitment that you have made to share your life together - this is a natural prgression of your relationship. Facing the crisis that you are in now can make it seem as though you have been frozen in a place that you would never choose. Your struggle with DH's military history must add doubly to the experience of injustice. Are you able to pursue getting the military to cover costs of any additional investigation or treatment that you might pursue in the future to try and get pregnant?

You sound as though you believe that all doors are closed to you - this can amplify feelings of hopelessness - I would encourage you to identify a place or person that you can go to to talk more about the feelings that you share here. SOmetimes simply saying them out loud changes the persepctive you have and new options present themselves. Your history of rape is significant and I worry that perhaps the struggle you are now in is bringing up the pain of this which could contribute to you a profound sense that you have simply been forgotten. There are infertility support groups in many areas of the country, and an infertility counselor can be very helpful, particulalry one who is experienced with trauma. If you need help finding somebody please e-mail me off the Board and I will try to help you (mindingmatters@aol.com) - life is by definition dynamic - you might feel stuck but movement is occurring just not where you need it to right now. Loss isn't something we get around or necessarily over but we can find a way to live well despite it - kindest Liz

[skb145]

where do you go from here?

I feel some similar emotions.

I had a laparoscopic procedure on June 14th, which my OBGYN noticed something wrong with my tubes. I was having the procedure for pain and they ended up finding alot more than just scar tissue. I consulted a RE and he confirmed; my fallopian tubes never fully developed and are not attached to my uterus. Thus making conception IMPOSSIBLE!!! How can this be??!! Their explanation...a birth defect. This is not settling too well with me. Everyone has been super nice, but friends and family want to compare my situtation with their's or others, but there is a huge difference between difficulty with getting pregnant and it being impossible. IVF is our only option, but we really can not afford it. It is hard to wrap our brains around having to pay so much money for just a chance at getting pregnant.

My husband and I are struggling with so many emotions in such different ways. I am having a HUGE problem with giving up the idea of having a baby, having a child the "old fashion way," and how easy it is for others to get pregnant. I dont want to hate others for their good fortune, but at times I do. We are both loving people who can provide a great life, but I feel like we may never have that chance. I just dont know when/how to except what the RE says? Where do I go from here? My husband has suggested that I seek counseling to help sort our my feelings on the situation. I am just confused on where to go from here!

[vetanova]

I don't know if things ever change. I go through phases where I can ignore it and deal with life and others where seeing a baby will send me out of a room, because I just can't deal with the pain and the longing. We have no idea why I can't conceive, but I've been trying for 10 years and two relationships. Infertility killed the first one and the second one probably won't survive either, if we don't figure this out.

I've seen two infertility specialists and there's no reason that I can't get pregnant. Physically, I'm completely normal. My blood work is perfect. I ovulate like clockwork on day 12 of my 28 day cycle and I can tell you exactly when my period is due, down to a couple of hours. But, in 10 years, I've never been able to conceive. The best I've managed is to get my period a day or two early and that was when I was taking herbal supplements, so that's probably why.

I've lived a clean, healthy life. No STD's, no drugs, healthy diet, healthy lifestyle. There is no reason for this. My aunt is a NICU pediatrician and I hear plenty of stories about drug addicts and STD infected prostitutes having babies, but... I have never conceived. Not once.

To add insult to injury, I was diagnosed with cancer last year and had to go through 4 months of chemotherapy. Fertility damaging chemotherapy. Like the phantom infertility problems weren't bad enough, my 34 year old ovaries were soaked in fertility killing drugs. While I was completely healthy before, my ovaries are probably damaged now, which doesn't make this any easier.

I've stopped talking to my family. Before my mother died, she would ask me when I was going to have a baby every time I talked to her. My sisters in law have children and, in addition to having to hear all about a life that I may never have, there's always a "keep trying, it'll happen someday." Uh... it's been 10 years. It's not going to happen "someday" because I'm getting to a point where I'm going to be too old.

This is one of those times when I just can't deal with this. My fiance is bugging me about when we're going to have a baby, why it's taking so long and what the problem is. I don't know what to tell him anymore, other than telling him that it may take a while and he might want to find someone else. If we don't figure this out, he will. And I won't blame him.

[AshleyM]

It sounds like you have been thru the ringer. I can't say that things get any easier tho. Infertility is something that never leaves my mind and after we lost our first child it's been even harder. I wish there was a magic cure so no one had to hurt from this.

[inciidadmin]

Develop a plan and write it down

It sounds like you have been thru the ringer. I can't say that things get any easier tho. Infertility is something that never leaves my mind and after we lost our first child it's been even harder. I wish there was a magic cure so no one had to hurt from this.

I think things get easier but when you are in the midst of the pain that fertility brings, it is often hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is trauma and as such one important part of your plan should be in how you take care of yourself. Infertility treatment can be all consuming so you really need to have a plan to be sure you are caring for yourself and your partner.

It is important to try and have a plan - make a decision. How long will you go through treatment and what treatment you will decide to go through before you stop treatment. For example, will you go in the direction of using a donor if IVF doesn't work and will you think about adoption and not as a last resort but just as an alternative. What is your goal? Do you want become a parent no matter which processes you decide on in a sort of progression of steps? Or do you make the decision to live childfree?

If you can answer these questions, at least you have a kind of roadmap to follow. This kind of structure and plan (albeit a living plan that can changed) can provide some comfort in just knowing you did all you could do to make your goals come to be.

I know this pain well - and wish you all the best in your quest to family.

Nancy

[inciidadmin]

One thing you might look into is immunological issues that can cause miscarriage and the inability for the embryo to implant. There are some RE's who understand these issues but NOT many. I would suggest you might read this article:
http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=immunology&id=374

The title of this article is "Immunology may be key to pregnanty loss" BUT it may also be one answer to inability to get pregnant (unexplained infertility). The only symptoms for the immunological problems preventing a viable pregnancy (with regard to immunology) are loss of the pregnancy or inability to get pregnant.

The testing for this is bloodwork - but the right kind of bloodwork - most of which is outlined in the article.