Catch 2 situation-need help

[kiran19]

Hi Liz,

I am 42 soon to be 43 in July and have been TTC for over a year.
My DH is really not in favour of having a baby but since I am quite eager, he says he would try naturally and if it happens its ok but does not want me to spend money on IUI or IVF.
He is against the idea of even getting his semen analysis done. I have talked to hime nicely, had fights with him, done everything I could to make him go for his semen analysis but my efforts have been unsuccessful.I have even told him that I would go for artifical insemination with doner sperms but he is against this idea, so I am really in a 'catct 22 situation'.
I am quite helpless and need someone to advise me on how to tackle this issue.
I am quite clear that I DO WANT MY OWN BABY inspite of what my DH says and have got HSG test done and my tubes are clear.I do think I am ovulating though my cycle length varies from month to month from 23 days to 38days.

(My DH says that his semen is ok since a few decades ago he had made his girlfriend pregnant.)

I do know that I need to take some fast action but somewhere deep down, I myself am a bit scared with the thought that suppose I go for IVF or IUI and do not get successful in the 1st attempt, how can I bear the subsequent expense cost for the 2nd or the 3rd attempts.
Its futile to try naturally at my age as its a matter of luck/chance that I may get pregnant naturally.(Incidentally I had a late marriage at 37years age and had been taking BC for 4years.Quit taking BC in Aug 2007 and have been TTC since march 08.)
Please analyse my situation and am waiting for some good advise.

Thanks so much in advance for taking the time to go through my mail.

[jamielea]

I hope it's okay that I post here, and that I don't come across as insensitive or something, but I just had to respond.
What was your understanding before you got married? Were you both agreed to have children or to not have them? If you agreed not to, is it fair to change the rules now? If you agreed to, then your DH must be afraid of something. Can you get at the root of his fear and try to come up with answers? For example if he is concerned about money, you can come up with a budget together, etc.
Second, if your DH really does not want a child, is it fair to bring a child into this? The child will be set up for a lifetime of pain and rejection by his/her father. Is that really fair? Perhaps you will need to put your maternal energies somewhere else. Is he open to foster care? Can you become a mentor for a child, tutor, volunteer at a children's hospital?
I hope I don't come across the wrong way. I am just concerned for any child brought into this type of situation.
Best wishes.

[kiran19]

Thanks for replying

Hi Jamielea,
Its just fine that you have expressed your views.
Yes, before marriage it was clarified that I do want a child and he did agree.
You are correct, my DH is concerned/scared about finances.I have even gone to the extend of signing a bond which said that I would take care of the finances of the child for the next 10years.

Actually my DH is going through a property litigation issue and if he wins the case everything would be just fine for us, however these type of cases take a lot of time and I have been explaining to him time and again that my biological clock is ticking and I cannot wait anymore as I am already 42!!
He understands sometimes and sometimes says if he wins the case he will finance for the IVF and the kid's future.....but I do not really want to live in his dreamworld and want to take charge of this as I do want my own baby.
During our fights, he accuses me of wanting a child from him so that I can get hold on his property....this is just not true ...I want a child as I have so much of tapped maternal energy in me.
My DH does want a child but he is scared I may walk away with the child , or I may give more attention to the child and ignore him. I have talked to him and promised this will not be the case but its tough to make him understand.
I do know once we have a child, things would be better for both of us.
I am not open for foster care and neither is he.

Thanks for replying and I do hope to get more views from people as it would help solve my problem.

[LizODonnell]

Catch 22

Kiran - I am sorry that I did not get back to you before but I am out of town until Thursday (the Board had been quiet for some time so I apologize). Your anxiety about time is quite palpable in your post as well as DH's fear. It is important to sit down - perhaps at first with yourself - and write down some of the things that you have expressed here so that you can tease the financies, the litigation, the family building, and the past relationship history that each of you bring to this current crisis apart. It sounds as though DH is conflating the current legal battle over your intention toward any child that you bring into the marriage - likely he has had some significant experience of betrayal in the past and he is terrified that this will repeat itself.

It will be very difficult for you to successfully take on the role of extinguishing that fear (that's his job or at least your job together) - particualrly if he has not voiced it in a way that is not accusatory or critical - signing a document that affirms that you will pay for the financial needs of any child that you conceive is a reflection of his worry and your desperation to do almost anything to bring him around. It is terribly difficult to be in this process without a commitment from your partner to participate - I appreciate that finances for treatment is a concern but his unwillingness to do a sperm analysis speaks to his overall resistance to this working out. I think the larger issue that needs to be explored is what he is so afraid of and what he believes he can do to mitigate that fear. You said that he made a girlfriend pregnant in the past? Was this child born - what were the circumstances around this pregnancy? I am not sure how it might be playing into present circumstances but he sounds as though he is terrified of being left in a position he feels is out of his control and in an attempt to protect himself is putting the responsibility of ttc enitely onto you. This needs to be a shared project - you have not been married long and it sounds as though you have had some very harsh circumstances to deal with - how you negotiate them is important for the health of your marriage regardless of children. I think it would be very helpful to make an appointment with a counselor for one or two sessions to work out some of these issues and separate the chaf fromt he wheat. There is too much going on and it seems as though it is playing itself out through the IF - I wish I could be more helpful - I do hear that you are struggling - if you need help finding someone to talk to you in your area I am happy to make a referral - I would encourage you to present it to DH as an opportunity for the two of you to talk about all of thethings that are going on so that he doesn't feel as though he is being cornered. He sounds as though that is already how he sees things. Let me know your update - kindest Liz

and should be addressed separate from the discussion about getting pregnant.

[kiran19]

financial issue or something deeper

Hi Liz,

Your analysis in some regard is quite apt, thank you so much for responding to my mail!

About his past,he claims the child was aborted and he had broken up with her as there were financial issues.
Now also, he keeps stating he has enough money to take care of me and himself in our old age..... but do not understand he does not have enough money to bring up 1 child?!! and that too when I will be taking care of the child's finances for the comming 10 years.

Do you thing money is just his excuse and that there could be something deeper that this which he has never told me?

Please advise if it would be possible for you to make a referral to talk to in the place where I am staying which is in N.Delhi,India?

Best Regards
Kiran

[LizODonnell]

Re Somerhing Deeper

Hi Kiran - I suspect that there is likely something else going on that neither he nor you have got to the bottom of. I am a little confused with respect to his financial concerns re having a child, particulalrly as you mentioned in you first e-mail that if you get pregnant without intervention DH seems to be OK with that - things tip into a different state of affairs when you discuss the possibility of having IUI or IVF which would require him to provide a semen analysis. (I get that any intervention would mean spending money however after the child is born the cost to raise it would be the same as if you got pregnant on your own. Creating a scenario where only one of you is repsonsible for the finanical needs of your child is a recipe for chaos and pain.

You don't mention what your religion/spiritual affiliation is - I wonder whether DH has either some fear/taboo around providing a semen sample - or is too terrified to find out what it might be so is avoiding it entirely? His comment that he knows he can get someone pregnant suggests that he thinks that he is not the problem - that is not necessarily the case - amd I wonder how unresolved this siutation from his past is for him?

I will see about getting a name for you in New Dehli (might take longer than usual:-) - kindest Liz

[kiran19]

confusions...

Hi Liz,

About our religion, we both are Hindu.I do not think there is any religious attechments to DH not agreeing to semen analysis.
I asked him once what is the problem and the reply I got made me feel he might feel by getting semen analysis done as kind of a psychological threat to his manhood.
Last year, when I was getting my Follicle monitoring done, I took him with me to the hospital and told him to get his semen analysis done but he kept sitting in the car and did not even enter the hospital premisis!!!

Sometimes I feel he has agreed to natural conception since he knows it would be difficult for me to get pregnant at my age without any intervention so his aim of not having a kid holds (irrespective of if the fault lies in my not ovulating or his sperm count being zero).
I don't know, may be I am wrong in my thinking.. what do you feel?

Last month I told him I would like to go for IVF and I will bear the cost, I felt he did not resist the idea much....may be he will give in to my wishes if I keep the preassure on. Also let me tell you when I keep talking about him getting the semen analysis done we end up in a fight and he says I am harrassing him.

I look forward to your reply and yes, it would be great if you could find a name in my area who could counsel me even if it takes longer.

Best regards
Kiran

[Annette]

Hi Kiran and Liz,

I don't mean to butt in, but I just wanted to share that my husband has a child from a previous relationship, conceived 13 years ago, and he now has low sperm count discovered through a semen analysis. So it is possible that semen changes over a period of time. Hope this information helps in some way.


Annette

[LizODonnell]

Suggestion

Kiran - your situation is complicated - there are several issues going on concurrently and it would not be appropriate for me to suggest that I know what DH's fears about giving a semen analysis are related to however it does seem that you are unable to have a direct conversation with each other about some of the fundamentals and that you feel very much alone in the quest to have a child. I would encourage you to make contact with the clinic located at the link below - they appear to have some supportive services for patients experiencing infertility and might be able to refer you directly to a counselor/psychologist who could help you sort things out. I have worked with Muslim men who have similar difficulties to your husband and with adequate support they have been able to talk about their reluctance to have give a sperm sample (and eventually do it). The reasons can be many and include social and religious stigma, the fear of discovering that they are the source of the problem, and the reluctance to consider using a sperm donor if this indeed turns out to be the case. My understanding of the Hindu faith is that the soul is believed to ascend to heaven (after death) through transmission of the male seed (forgive me if this is incorrect it is not my area of expertise:-)- I don't know how religious either of you are but speaking to someone who is both culturaally and psychologically knowledge about infertility in India would be very helpful - best of luck - in kindness Liz

[kiran19]

semen count enough for IUI or IVF?

Hi Annette,

Thanks for the info. Please advise if the semen count is sufficient to do IUI or you will have to go for IVF?

Best wishes
kiran

[kiran19]

Re your suggestion

Hi Liz,

Thank you for your reply.

Re your link, I am already aware of Dr Gupta's IVF clinic in Delhi and will take his help when required.

Will keep you posted about my progress.

Best wishes
kiran

[Annette]

Hi Kiran,

We did 2 IUI's but both times the sperm count was not sufficient since I also have a blocked fallopian tube. My doctor has suggested that we need to do IVF.

[uttima94]

Hi Kiran,

Hope you're doing well. as I can see you need to consult IVF specialist
I recommend you look at INCIID's list of professional members here
best wishes
uttima

[MrRyan]

Great idea! This must be shared!

Ryan | Basement Finishing

[GaryG55]

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