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Greetings and salutations. I cannot for the life of me FATHOM why I did not look up Infertility Forum YEARS ago, as I've gotten on severl other ones, and enjoy having a "voice" to my feelings I cannot have in "normal" places. I am 32 married, and have a teen stepchild.
With that said. Here is my story. It will be lengthy. I apologise.
I have dreamed of being a "MOM" since I was first conscious of the 'idea". I was the kid that not only dragged around her baby doll, but I had the diaper bag, the stroller, the bottles that made it look like it was drinking. I had every doll imaginable, the onces that pee'd , the ones that cried, talked, walked, crawled, and even one that roller skated for good ness sake.
I was always the "big sister" or "mommy" to the younger children around me. I was always the one who was "giving" and "motherly".
It was just my nature to be a "mom".
So...fast forward to wanting a baby, and going thru the bodily process's to get pregnant. It was with a then fiance at the time. granted...I could go on about how "stupid" that was...but...oh well. Four years...NOTHING. Thought...well my cycles have always been a bit nutty, and it could be him. (definatly not him as he now has two children, and it happend right away with him and his wife).
So....fast forward again. I get married six years ago. He has a eight year old child at the time. Definatly wants at least one more child he says. Make an agreement on our one year anniversary we will no longer go thru the means of "preventing" (condoms if anyone is curious, because birth control in all forms make me have rentless , untractable migraines...and after trying everyone they had on the market with no relife ..I gave up)...anyways..sorry side tracked. So...the year anniversary hits...I think. no condoms...having more regular periods than I had been...should be a year max,
Ha..jokes on me I guess. A year into it...thought...well my cycles are nutty, maybe it'll just take some time.
Two years into it, the tears and the depressed feeling overwhelms me.
Finally get Husband (who is ," we are getting pregnant naturally or nothing at all".)
to agree to at least let me go to the doc.
Long story short...doc says anatomy looks fine, blood tests are normal except hormones a bit off. Easy fix she says...I can give you a pill, should jump start your ovulation and keep you more regular.
YAY I think....till I get home to husband.
NOPE. he's not having it.
Another long story short....he dosent "WANT" a baby.
If it happens on its own..without any medical intervention at all...then he is "ok" with it. But no going out of our way to have one.
I've cried, begged, pleaded and comtemplated taking the medicine behind his back (but its just not in me to do it).
But he is firm.
He has his child from his first marriage (now 15) , and so his "fatherhood" hole is filled.
GREAT. where in the BLEEP does that leave me.
It leaves me "begging god"....trying to do everything "naturally" to my body that can possibly help....and here I am five years into "trying by myself" to get pregnant.
I've been told "I understand how you feel" so much by
A) people who have one child and struggle to have number two (or have two and are struggling to have number three)
B) COUPLES (not just the wife, or the husband but BOTH of them) trying for a baby . "actively TRYING" TOGETHER. (ok sorry you get my point).
or worse
C) people who've never had a problem getting pregnant, and having children..and actually dare complain to me about how "hard" motherhood is and suggest I'm actually blessed.
GRRRRRRR that one makes me the most mad.
I'm tired of seeing everyone else pregnant. I'm tried of plastering a smile on my face and PRETENDING to be happy for someone else when they have number one, two , three, six ...whatever. When I am apparently never going to be blessed with one (unless God answers my prayers and fixes my body, and lets me have one. And yes I'm not totally given up that he CAN do that for me)....Its just.....
Gosh darn it....I have a HOLE the size of texas in my heart..that ONLY a baby can fill.
I know I get to SORTA be a mom , cause I have my husbands daughter. and i love her just as if she were my own. BUT ITS DIFFERENT.
I got her at eight...and she was pretty much already her own person. While we were close, and have a bond still today. ITS NOT THE SAME as carrying your own child in your belly, giving life to it, and being there from DAY ONE>
to be called "mom, or mommy , or mim, or whatever" instead of by your first name.
To be "accepted" into that apparent "club" that people assume you must spit a child out your own parts to be accepted into it.
Or to have someone that "relates" to you , because you are "both" moms, and she dosent disregard your feelings because you've not had one.
To have a INLAW not say "you'd undestand if you were a mom".
YES...I GET IT. IT changes alot. But am I not "A" mom to a daughter that isnt actually mine. Heck if you ask me...thats a much harder job.
Anyways back to my point (sorry again)....
I'm tired of people saying..well you can adopt.
I"D LOVE TO ADOPT. I'd ADOPT A HOUSEFULL if "ALLOWED".
But my husband and I's income (and his not "wanting" a child, and just "allowing" one IF it happens") dosent line up with adoption.
I honestly think if someone came to us and said..I'm pregnant , i dont want it..I want EMPTY ARMS to have it...no fee's, no nothing, just sign a paper..and here you go....he'd still say NO.
I've even thought about leaving him. Although being a christian woman, who takes my vows very very seriously..I just cant do that.
But..where does that leave me.
I'm embarrassed that I cannot go to a baby shower without having a meltdown on the way there, while there, and on the way home...and likely three days after.
I'm tired of how everytime I feel the slightest illness, I get my hopes up that I'm pregnant...and try to find every excuse in the book , to JUSTIFY to my husband as to why I am taking the THIRD pregnancy test in four weeks time.
I'm tired of negative pregnancy tests glaring back at me from the counter top. Its almost as if it reads "you stupid idiot..you knew I'd be negative, give up you moron" instead of just no line, or a negative.
If I added up all I've spent on negative pregnancy tests...i could buy a car I think.
I am tired of how when I do get a pregnancy test at this local store that I go to (cheaper there)...the cashier girl always gives me THAT LOOK, or worse one day she said...can you believe how expensive something you pee on is...I mean gosh...I pray and hope everytime I take one , that I'm not because of all the money the little *%&* is going to cost me when I have it...so I shouldnt have to ALSO worry about how much the test costs too.
I simply replied "well I've been trying to have a baby for six years...I pray its positive everytime I take one, and if It is positive I could care less if it cost five dollars or 22 dollars...I'm going to be too estatic to care"
I got "oh...ok I understand". I simply replied "no...you have no clue whatsoever, have a nice day"...then sobbed for twenty mins in the parking lot before I could even drive home.
I'm tired of walking into the stores, church, resturants ect...and have people think I'm some sort of pervert or pedifile because I cant stop staring at thier baby, or small child.
I think I'm going to have a shirt made that says. "i apologise for staring at your beautiful child, I'm not a pedifile, I'm unable to have children of my own"
I'm tired of going into walmart at midnight and seeing some idiot who should never have been allowed to have chilren, dragging her poor little 2 year old behind her, screaming at them to hurry up, or worse smacking them or yelling at them for BEING A CHILD.
I cannot fathom for the life of me why the people that starve, abuse, rape, molest, kill thier children are allowed to have them...but not me.
I cannot fathom why the "individual" that my husband was once married to, could "ACCIDENTALLY" get pregnant in thier third month of marriage and totally and forever "ruien" my husbands idea of what having a child with someone is like. (long story wont go into it)...and thus it ALSO effects my life....she gets to have one, BUT I DONT.
Why do people get to have children that are complete morons and dont realise that THEY HAVE A COAT ON BECAUSE THEY ARE COLD, but thier child is running around in nothing but a diaper.
I could go on and on about the WHY"S and what I'm tired off....
but I've made my major point.
I'm hurting, I'm angry. And I've not found anyone IN PERSON that I can relate to, or that "understands".
Because either they have a child already, have a husband thats in it WITH them.
I cant talk to my husband about it often...because he just feels if we are meant to have one we will, and he is not "upset" at the idea of not having one. He dosent NOT want one...but he dosent WANT one. Hope that makes sense.
So to sit and cry and ache and dream and hope for something that may NEVER happen, with someone that has no "desire" for it...dosent do anything but frustrate me more. All he can do is hold me and let me cry..(which he does)...but its not something he "understands".
Its a lonely place to be.
I KNOW i'm not alone...but it still feels that way.
I also am really struggling with people that are so stupid to walk up to me and ask "so when are yall going to have children".
I want to say...if after six years of us being married we havent...there is OVIOUS "ISSUE" and its likely a PAINFUL one, so shut up and dont ask me.
Or worse...I'd like to say "its none of your BLEEPING BUSINESS" ...but I know people are just curious and dont mean anything by it.
I told my friend who was having SECOND child struggles that I was going to have a t'shirt made that says. No I'm not pregnant, No I dont know if I ever will be, please dont ask me any guestions about it either..thanks in advance.
People at church have FINALLY stopped asking.
My friend (same one) said...well I can say one thing...people bug you when are you getting married, then its when are you having a baby, then you get pregnant and that hold em off until the kid is a year...the they start asking if your going to give it a brother or sister...then you give it a brother or sister and people start asking if thats your last..and dare you have a third..then they start asking you when are you going to STOP having kids.
I know she's right...but I'd much rather someone ask me HOW MANY kids i was gonna have , after I had a few..than to be asked every sunday if we are going to have a baby. i can only hide in the bathroom so long.
Anyways...I'm just blabbering on like a idiot.
Thats my story.
Thats where I'm at.
and so...thanks for letting me type it all out.
ps: For those of you having trouble having a second or third (ect) child...I apologise if my comment about that was hurtful. I only referenced it because when the people I know who are in that situation say "i understand" I really dont feel like they do , because they at LEAST have one child. While I sit with "empty" arms.
With that said. Here is my story. It will be lengthy. I apologise.
I have dreamed of being a "MOM" since I was first conscious of the 'idea". I was the kid that not only dragged around her baby doll, but I had the diaper bag, the stroller, the bottles that made it look like it was drinking. I had every doll imaginable, the onces that pee'd , the ones that cried, talked, walked, crawled, and even one that roller skated for good ness sake.
I was always the "big sister" or "mommy" to the younger children around me. I was always the one who was "giving" and "motherly".
It was just my nature to be a "mom".
So...fast forward to wanting a baby, and going thru the bodily process's to get pregnant. It was with a then fiance at the time. granted...I could go on about how "stupid" that was...but...oh well. Four years...NOTHING. Thought...well my cycles have always been a bit nutty, and it could be him. (definatly not him as he now has two children, and it happend right away with him and his wife).
So....fast forward again. I get married six years ago. He has a eight year old child at the time. Definatly wants at least one more child he says. Make an agreement on our one year anniversary we will no longer go thru the means of "preventing" (condoms if anyone is curious, because birth control in all forms make me have rentless , untractable migraines...and after trying everyone they had on the market with no relife ..I gave up)...anyways..sorry side tracked. So...the year anniversary hits...I think. no condoms...having more regular periods than I had been...should be a year max,
Ha..jokes on me I guess. A year into it...thought...well my cycles are nutty, maybe it'll just take some time.
Two years into it, the tears and the depressed feeling overwhelms me.
Finally get Husband (who is ," we are getting pregnant naturally or nothing at all".)
to agree to at least let me go to the doc.
Long story short...doc says anatomy looks fine, blood tests are normal except hormones a bit off. Easy fix she says...I can give you a pill, should jump start your ovulation and keep you more regular.
YAY I think....till I get home to husband.
NOPE. he's not having it.
Another long story short....he dosent "WANT" a baby.
If it happens on its own..without any medical intervention at all...then he is "ok" with it. But no going out of our way to have one.
I've cried, begged, pleaded and comtemplated taking the medicine behind his back (but its just not in me to do it).
But he is firm.
He has his child from his first marriage (now 15) , and so his "fatherhood" hole is filled.
GREAT. where in the BLEEP does that leave me.
It leaves me "begging god"....trying to do everything "naturally" to my body that can possibly help....and here I am five years into "trying by myself" to get pregnant.
I've been told "I understand how you feel" so much by
A) people who have one child and struggle to have number two (or have two and are struggling to have number three)
B) COUPLES (not just the wife, or the husband but BOTH of them) trying for a baby . "actively TRYING" TOGETHER. (ok sorry you get my point).
or worse
C) people who've never had a problem getting pregnant, and having children..and actually dare complain to me about how "hard" motherhood is and suggest I'm actually blessed.
GRRRRRRR that one makes me the most mad.
I'm tired of seeing everyone else pregnant. I'm tried of plastering a smile on my face and PRETENDING to be happy for someone else when they have number one, two , three, six ...whatever. When I am apparently never going to be blessed with one (unless God answers my prayers and fixes my body, and lets me have one. And yes I'm not totally given up that he CAN do that for me)....Its just.....
Gosh darn it....I have a HOLE the size of texas in my heart..that ONLY a baby can fill.
I know I get to SORTA be a mom , cause I have my husbands daughter. and i love her just as if she were my own. BUT ITS DIFFERENT.
I got her at eight...and she was pretty much already her own person. While we were close, and have a bond still today. ITS NOT THE SAME as carrying your own child in your belly, giving life to it, and being there from DAY ONE>
to be called "mom, or mommy , or mim, or whatever" instead of by your first name.
To be "accepted" into that apparent "club" that people assume you must spit a child out your own parts to be accepted into it.
Or to have someone that "relates" to you , because you are "both" moms, and she dosent disregard your feelings because you've not had one.
To have a INLAW not say "you'd undestand if you were a mom".
YES...I GET IT. IT changes alot. But am I not "A" mom to a daughter that isnt actually mine. Heck if you ask me...thats a much harder job.
Anyways back to my point (sorry again)....
I'm tired of people saying..well you can adopt.
I"D LOVE TO ADOPT. I'd ADOPT A HOUSEFULL if "ALLOWED".
But my husband and I's income (and his not "wanting" a child, and just "allowing" one IF it happens") dosent line up with adoption.
I honestly think if someone came to us and said..I'm pregnant , i dont want it..I want EMPTY ARMS to have it...no fee's, no nothing, just sign a paper..and here you go....he'd still say NO.
I've even thought about leaving him. Although being a christian woman, who takes my vows very very seriously..I just cant do that.
But..where does that leave me.
I'm embarrassed that I cannot go to a baby shower without having a meltdown on the way there, while there, and on the way home...and likely three days after.
I'm tired of how everytime I feel the slightest illness, I get my hopes up that I'm pregnant...and try to find every excuse in the book , to JUSTIFY to my husband as to why I am taking the THIRD pregnancy test in four weeks time.
I'm tired of negative pregnancy tests glaring back at me from the counter top. Its almost as if it reads "you stupid idiot..you knew I'd be negative, give up you moron" instead of just no line, or a negative.
If I added up all I've spent on negative pregnancy tests...i could buy a car I think.
I am tired of how when I do get a pregnancy test at this local store that I go to (cheaper there)...the cashier girl always gives me THAT LOOK, or worse one day she said...can you believe how expensive something you pee on is...I mean gosh...I pray and hope everytime I take one , that I'm not because of all the money the little *%&* is going to cost me when I have it...so I shouldnt have to ALSO worry about how much the test costs too.
I simply replied "well I've been trying to have a baby for six years...I pray its positive everytime I take one, and if It is positive I could care less if it cost five dollars or 22 dollars...I'm going to be too estatic to care"
I got "oh...ok I understand". I simply replied "no...you have no clue whatsoever, have a nice day"...then sobbed for twenty mins in the parking lot before I could even drive home.
I'm tired of walking into the stores, church, resturants ect...and have people think I'm some sort of pervert or pedifile because I cant stop staring at thier baby, or small child.
I think I'm going to have a shirt made that says. "i apologise for staring at your beautiful child, I'm not a pedifile, I'm unable to have children of my own"
I'm tired of going into walmart at midnight and seeing some idiot who should never have been allowed to have chilren, dragging her poor little 2 year old behind her, screaming at them to hurry up, or worse smacking them or yelling at them for BEING A CHILD.
I cannot fathom for the life of me why the people that starve, abuse, rape, molest, kill thier children are allowed to have them...but not me.
I cannot fathom why the "individual" that my husband was once married to, could "ACCIDENTALLY" get pregnant in thier third month of marriage and totally and forever "ruien" my husbands idea of what having a child with someone is like. (long story wont go into it)...and thus it ALSO effects my life....she gets to have one, BUT I DONT.
Why do people get to have children that are complete morons and dont realise that THEY HAVE A COAT ON BECAUSE THEY ARE COLD, but thier child is running around in nothing but a diaper.
I could go on and on about the WHY"S and what I'm tired off....
but I've made my major point.
I'm hurting, I'm angry. And I've not found anyone IN PERSON that I can relate to, or that "understands".
Because either they have a child already, have a husband thats in it WITH them.
I cant talk to my husband about it often...because he just feels if we are meant to have one we will, and he is not "upset" at the idea of not having one. He dosent NOT want one...but he dosent WANT one. Hope that makes sense.
So to sit and cry and ache and dream and hope for something that may NEVER happen, with someone that has no "desire" for it...dosent do anything but frustrate me more. All he can do is hold me and let me cry..(which he does)...but its not something he "understands".
Its a lonely place to be.
I KNOW i'm not alone...but it still feels that way.
I also am really struggling with people that are so stupid to walk up to me and ask "so when are yall going to have children".
I want to say...if after six years of us being married we havent...there is OVIOUS "ISSUE" and its likely a PAINFUL one, so shut up and dont ask me.
Or worse...I'd like to say "its none of your BLEEPING BUSINESS" ...but I know people are just curious and dont mean anything by it.
I told my friend who was having SECOND child struggles that I was going to have a t'shirt made that says. No I'm not pregnant, No I dont know if I ever will be, please dont ask me any guestions about it either..thanks in advance.
People at church have FINALLY stopped asking.
My friend (same one) said...well I can say one thing...people bug you when are you getting married, then its when are you having a baby, then you get pregnant and that hold em off until the kid is a year...the they start asking if your going to give it a brother or sister...then you give it a brother or sister and people start asking if thats your last..and dare you have a third..then they start asking you when are you going to STOP having kids.
I know she's right...but I'd much rather someone ask me HOW MANY kids i was gonna have , after I had a few..than to be asked every sunday if we are going to have a baby. i can only hide in the bathroom so long.
Anyways...I'm just blabbering on like a idiot.
Thats my story.
Thats where I'm at.
and so...thanks for letting me type it all out.
ps: For those of you having trouble having a second or third (ect) child...I apologise if my comment about that was hurtful. I only referenced it because when the people I know who are in that situation say "i understand" I really dont feel like they do , because they at LEAST have one child. While I sit with "empty" arms.
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