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losing it

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  • losing it

    I feel like I'm going to lose it. I've been holding it all together for so long. We've been trying to conceive for almost 6 years now (4 IUI's and 2 IVF's to date). I've been holding on to get to do one last cycle. We've been patiently waiting for our financial situation to improve and things keep getting worse and worse. I am a college professor and my hours have been cut back to almost nothing for fall. I am supplementing that with online teaching but the pay is not great. I've applied to FT teaching jobs in my field but they are few and far between.We've applied to 6 or 7 infertility grants since February and have not gotten one yet.

    I'm feeling like there may be discrimination based on my age - 46 -Though I eat whole organic foods, use natural products, and live a healthy lifestyle, we keep getting passed up for these grants. My GP gave me the go ahead. I'm fit to carry a pregnancy and we're using donor eggs so we have a great chance of success. But nobody seems to want to help us out. My RE has offered to discount our cycle, but we're stuck because of the cost with IVF with DE.

    My husband just had his second hernia surgery last Wed. We did our 2nd IVF cycle shortly after his first hernia surgery in May 2012 and his motility dropped down to 30% from being "super swimmers" as the nurse called them. My husband's promotion is now delayed because of surgery and he will probably start back part time at first. As soon as he is able, we are going in for another sperm analysis - for IVF #3, but with donor eggs. I just want to prepare myself for more bad news. I don't think I can take anymore....

    A friend just moved in with us last Friday because of problems with her husband and we've spent endless hours counseling her through copious amounts of tears and outbursts. I've had to hold it together and ignore my pain while we help her.

    I'm so close to giving up on our dream of having a child and I don't want to do that. I'm just so so frustrated. I want to spend the next week crying in bed.