I am so tired...

[monkeefan73]

My pregnancy (via IVF Heart Scholarship) was such a blessing. We were elated, but I lost my baby January 6, 2009. It has been 13 months and I still feel soooooo sad and angry. I have emotional waves. Some days are better than others. For the past year I have come to this site in hopes of finding an answer to help me through this, but for some reason I have not wanted to 'say' anything. I have just lurked.

I am so tired of feeling the way that I do. I sometimes don't have the desire to do anything at all. I just want to be left alone. At times I don't even want to leave my house. I feel like I am trapped inside of a glass box; everyone sees me, but they can not hear me as I scream. I know I am depressed still. I have gone to counseling at my church to heal my spirit, but I still feel broken. No one seems to have any answers for me. I try to distract myself, but the distractions are temporary. No one understands how I feel. I have been told that I should be past this now. I think people can be so insensitive, especially the ones that say my miscarriage might have been a blessing to protect me from a sick child or more heartache. I do not want to hear that.

I want to be happy for others during and after pregnancies, but it is still difficult to truly be happy. I hate being jealous of their blessing. I work with two ladies that had miscarriages within two weeks of me. One of them got pregnant two months later in March and the other got pregnant in July. The first lady gave birth Dec. 22, 2009 to a baby girl. The other is due in three weeks. My cousin just had a baby a few weeks ago and another cousin, that happens to be a year younger than me, is due soon. I do not think any of them realize how blessed they are.

I HATE I can not get pregnant like they can. I am 37 with high FSH. The odds seem to be against me and I think I have lost hope (which used to be a driving force in my life). My heart scripture (Hebrews 11:1) even talks about faith and hope. I am not sure that I believe the scripture anymore; I fear I have lost my faith. My ovary is working hard, but I am not getting any younger. As the late Dr. Samuel Thatcher of Centers for Applied Reproductive Sciences once told me, my body is acting like that of someone at least 10 years older. IVF is my only option since I do not have fallopian tubes and I only have one ovary (all lost in my fertility struggles). I can not afford an IVF cycle. I have tried to save and family/ friends say they will help, but they do not and I resent them for not following through. They are such liars!! The IVF facility in my city wants nearly 14K. My husband won't agree to refinancing our house; I guess I can not blame him. A loan is out of the question. IT IS NOT FAIR!!!!!! I guess it was not meant for me to give birth to a child.

I need to get past this, but I really don't know how and I do not want to burden anyone. I feel alone.

[psilverman]

I just read your post...

...and my heart is aching for you. I am so sorry for your loss and understand that -- contrary to the popular saying -- time does NOT heal all wounds. What you are feeling -- all of it -- is so understandable and normal. It is so hard when the rest of the world seems to march on and forget your loss and also "ignore" the thing that seems to consume your own mind. You did not say that you have sought out the help of a therapist -- I hope you will. I found one through the employee helpline at my work, but if you don't have that option, try calling some referral sources or even asking your clery-person. It seems so unsatisfying because a therapist is not going to be able to give you what you ultimately want. But he or she may be able to help you in addressing your feelings of being alone and unheard.

I'm sorry there is not more traffic on this board -- but know that there are many out here who will be thinking of you, praying for you and for you very own miracle. Hugs to you.

[monkeefan73]

So glad someone responded

Hi. Thank you so much. No, I have not sought professional services. I have thought about the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) offered via my company, but I do not know how they can truly help me because I did do counseling sessions with my church and although I felt a little better, I did not get the results I expected. I may try the EAP though; it couldn't hurt to try. Thanks again.

[augie]

Hugs

I just noticed your post as well. I am so, so sorry to hear what you've been through. I went back and read your prior posts and saw the heartbreaking moment where your joy turned to sorrow. I had tears just reading it.

I'm glad you sought counsel at your church but understand it can only do so much. Would you consider finding a licensed Christian counselor? Counsel from church is good, but sometimes pastors/elders etc do not have the background/training that a counselor may have. I can just feel your despair in your post and hope that you can find someone to help share your burden.

Please don't beat yourself up for not feeling overjoyed about the pregnancies around you. Be gentle with yourself - skip the baby showers and pregnancy chit-chat that can bring the tears and heartache in an instant.

I will be praying for you. Don't worry about Hebrews 11 right now - I can so relate to your feelings. I read and re-read the book of Lamentations during difficult seasons of my infertility journey as that was the only part of God's word that spoke to me during those times.

Sara/augie

[monkeefan73]

I appreciate your prayers.

[Tonya77]

though this board has fallen silent for much time

you are not alone. Marisa would be 8 this year. And there is not a day that my heart does not ache for her. Somehow life gets a bit easier. Finding a way to celebrate your baby helps a lot too. I have an angel garden that I tend, and am very active in supporting a charity that fights premature birth, birth defects and infant mortality. (((hugs)))

[LizODonnell]

Sorry this is so late...

I have been terribly out of the loop due to a death in my family but for some reason your post sprung up in my email tonight and although I realize that you sent it on February 5th I wanted to make sure that I responded to you. Heartache does not come with a time limit and despite our best intentions to heal the pain of loss it recedes in its own way. You are still in the struggle to reconcile all that has happened and of course are still powerfully attached to the desire to have a child, this can make moving to a different place feel impossible.

The experience of anguish you describe over someone else's pregnancy is a reminder of the story that has not been allowed to be told around yours. Very few human beings can look at someone else who has what they yearn for and not feel brittle. I would encourage you to find someone in your area who specializes in infertility for you to talk to - if you need help finding someone I would be happy to assist you - you can email me directly at mindingmatters@aol.com - in the meantime please know that your message made it through - albeit late - to my own mailbox and I want you to know that I would like to help - warmest to you Liz

[Guest]

I am very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I can relate. I had a miscarriage over Mother's Day weekend this year. I've just passed the week I would've been due. I have been struggling with jealousy as well as it seems everyone I know has been able to get pregnant relatively easily & naturally. The grieving process is such a roller coaster & hits me sometimes when I least expect it. What's helped most is just trying to let myself feel whatever I feel without all the shoulds. It feels very difficult to find closure since we're still in the process of trying again. I can't help feeling grief, disappointment, & anger all over again every month that I get another negative result. I decided to join some online forums in hopes of finding some people who can understand what I'm going through. So many we'll-meaning people say the most unhelpful things. I've been feeling so alone. Please know that I will be praying for you & am available if you want support as you're going through this process too. Professional help is very helpful as well. Hang in there.

[brianslade]

I know how you feel...

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for ten years. We've had 11 miscarriages, all in the first trimester. We tried IVF with PGD and it failed, but we were able to get pregnant on our own. It was a matter of carrying it more than 12 weeks. Such a roller coaster of emotions when the stick would turn out postitive. I couldn't help but get excited, yet there was this constant fear that consumed me. We finally have some answers to why I miscarried thanks to Dr. Sher. Ive seen countless RE's and they couldn't give me the answer that he did in the first 15 min of talking to him, and the tests confirmed. We did adopt a baby a couple years ago because we were so eager to start our family. I know how you feel when you say that people would try to say something comforting but it would just hurt more. They always mean well, and I appreciate the effort. I remember a girl at church who was 27 yrs old and had three kids and was very pregnant with the fourth... she said, "At least you don't have to go through pregnancy and labor, trust me you're not missing anything!" I had to keep that perspective that she means well and take comfort in that. All those feelings of jealousy, anger, confusion, etc are feelings I think we all share when going through this type of struggle. I've come to accept that its Gods will, and I can't see the big picture... I just have to trust his plan for us. Still, Im going to do everything within my power to have a viable pregnancy. These forums really help, especially after well-meaning women give their 'comforting comments', lol. I feel isolated in those settings, but here I feel like there are so many people that I can talk and listen to that understand and know what it feels like... that is extremely helpful. We're not alone in this, and I love that we can share our stories and support others as well. Best of luck to you all.

I am very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I can relate. I had a miscarriage over Mother's Day weekend this year. I've just passed the week I would've been due. I have been struggling with jealousy as well as it seems everyone I know has been able to get pregnant relatively easily & naturally. The grieving process is such a roller coaster & hits me sometimes when I least expect it. What's helped most is just trying to let myself feel whatever I feel without all the shoulds. It feels very difficult to find closure since we're still in the process of trying again. I can't help feeling grief, disappointment, & anger all over again every month that I get another negative result. I decided to join some online forums in hopes of finding some people who can understand what I'm going through. So many we'll-meaning people say the most unhelpful things. I've been feeling so alone. Please know that I will be praying for you & am available if you want support as you're going through this process too. Professional help is very helpful as well. Hang in there.