Pain creeps up on me

[elijah]

I got married a year and a half ago. After we were married for about year, we got pregnant. I was thrilled. For two glorious months, I had a sweet bonding experience with the life inside of me. Then, I lost the baby. I was so scared and didn't know what to expect. I had no idea the loss would feel so huge, that getting pregnant would be such a risk, or that this loss would not only crush my heart, but also my self-confidence, my interpersonal relationships, and my hopes for the future.

A few months later, I have healed some. I have come to accept the experience with a kind of wonder and humility, but the pain creeps up on me every now and then. It would be nice to find a place just to talk about it.

[kcf1971]

Sorry for your loss

Hi,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how devastating miscarriage can be. I miscarried at 11 weeks in April after two years of ttc.

The sadness does just happen at random times. Do you have any friends who have miscarried? Talking to them might be helpful.

I used to try to fight my waves of grief. But now (provided I'm not at work), I just try to cry it out. And I let/make DH hold me and pet my hair while I do it. Seems to help.

Warmly,
Kate

[luckyamy]

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel- I also got pregnant about a year into my marriage and then miscarried after 2 months. It really blindsided me and was very scary. I've been through a lot since then but my first loss in some ways was the hardest- I felt like I lost my innocence about pregnancy.

Was your loss very sudden or did you have warning signs? Just thought you might like to tell the story...

[kcf1971]

Sorry for all our losses -- m/c

Thanks, luckyamy,

I'm very sorry for your loss -- for all of our losses and struggles.

My miscarriage was just out of the blue. In retrospect, I guess I should have known because I stopped being exhausted and having sore breasts constantly. But I just thought that was because I was about to enter the second tri.

My husband and I were watching TV. It was starting to get warm out and I was wearing his old boxers and putting a natural glow/touch of sun self-tanner lotion on my legs. I felt a cramp, mild, and discharge. I knew I was miscarrying even before I got to the bathroom. (I didn't want to frighten DH if I was wrong, so I went there to check for blood.)

I sat on the toilet, told my husband there was blood and started crying. He rushed in and started crying too. I wanted to die.

The health plan advice nurse said to wait til morning for an ultrasound. Told me if I was miscarrying, they couldn't do anything for me. But I should rest in case it was just a threatened miscarriage. I cried and rocked myself to sleep while dh researched miscarriage and "pregnancy and spotting" online for hours.

In the morning, my doc (whom I love) got excited because my cervix was still in tact. But one ultrasound, then two and -- no heartbeat. He or she had probably died a week earlier, but my body hadn't recognized it.

They couldn't tell me why -- except that it's common and miscarriages happen when fetuses aren't developing properly.

I refused to get a dnc because I was secretly hoping someone had made a mistake. I didn't want pain killers because I wanted to feel my loss.

I had no idea that the fetus wasn't passing properly because I refused an ultrasound at my follow up appointment. I woke up that night in the worst pain of my life. Vomiting. Couldn't stand up straight. Everything was dammed up in my cervix. At the hospital, they had to knock me out and use forceps to pull everything through. I apparently kept telling DH how I had to work the next day. I had never seen so much blood.

In movies, miscarriages happen in one dramatic scene. I really didn't grasp that they went on for weeks.

Seven months later, I'm still not over it. Today would have been my due date.

I've never told the whole story to anyone. It almost makes me scared to get pregnant again.

If it's not too intrusive, do you want to share what happened to you?

-- Kate

[luckyamy]

Wow, that is a tough story to share. In some ways it can feel so good to do so. I am sorry you had to go through all that. I can relate in some ways to what you went through, though my first was somewhat different.

I was about 9 weeks, doing just fine. I don't remember having many symptoms in the first place, so I didn't really have any warning signs. I was home from work for some reason I can't remember, and I went to the bathroom and saw a bit of blood. I knew. I remember leaning forward on the toilet and grabbing the towel hanging on the bar in front of me, and burying my face and crying. I called my doctor and they told me to get off my feet, and come in for an ultrasound. I am so sorry you had to wait through the night. I can't even imagine that stress.

I called dh at work and he came straight home. I remember sitting on the steps of our apartment waiting for him and crying, staring into space. We went for the ultrasound and it was just like yours- no heartbeat, the baby had died about a week before. I remember the tech said "I see signs of pregnancy but I'm afraid I don't see a hearbeat. Are you o.k.?" and I said no and just started sobbing. Poor dh was so sad too. Our doctor came in and said how sorry he was. I called my mom on my cell, because she was waiting to hear, and she cried too.

Lucky for me, I did have a d&c so mine was over rather quickly. It kind of bothered me. It was like all of a sudden I wasn't pregnant. It was almost like I had never been pregnant. They did a chromosomal analysis and found it was a normal female. We named her Livija Rose (pronounced Livia) and I was so depressed about it I never went back to work. We were moving out of state in a few months and I just never went back.

Everyone said I'd get pg again right away, but I didn't. There is a whole other story-- my infertility and subsequent losses which I can tell you about if you want but I don't want to overwhelm you. I think what we're talking about here is that first experience, the loss of your innocence about pregnancy and how much pain can be caused by losing one.

I had been SO HAPPY to be pregnant. Infertility runs in my family, and I have endometriosis so we were worried I might have trouble. We started trying (or at least not preventing) only about a year after we got married at 22, so we were excited. We wanted to have many kids, and have them young.

Of course you aren't over it! You never will be over it, but even so you are still in the very new stages of grief most likely. 7 months after my miscarriage I was still definitely very tearful about it, bitter, scared, and thought about my baby all the time. It is totally normal.

[BlessedMommy]

The pain of loss never leaves completely....

I sure can attest to that. My first loss was 3 yrs ago and 1 month. It was also TOTALLY unexpected, as I was almost 15 weeks along, and had 2 wonderful u/s's with strong heart beats, and a great nuchal scan result.

Just when I had entered the 2nd trimester and feeling good, it all ended abruptly when I happily bounced into my routine OB appt, she looked for a h/b and there wasn't one. She swept me into the u/s room, and it was clear that the baby had no heartbeat or bloodflow.
However, since he measured pretty close to date, he more than likely had passed within 2-3 days prior. I had a d&c the next day.
It was the worst moments of my life and thought I'd never feel better or truly be able to talk about the sadness, anger and violation of having a baby taken from you that worked hard for and wanted SO BAD

( The pathology report on our baby boy showed he was perfect and had no abnormalities, and that result again was a slap in the face as we couldnt find a way to justify losing him.)

I went on to have another early loss 6 months later, and although it wasn't as bad since I half expected it to happen, it still was another loss of a baby we hoped for. Your dreams are just taken and flushed away from you in the seconds that the u/s confirms it. And eerything seems to go into slow motion. I can replay those moments, the sounds and smells of the OB office in my brain like it was still yesterday. (sniff)

But time marches on and future hope helps heal you, but the pain is never, ever forgotten or gone altogether. And finally having another child can NEVER take the place of those babies that were loved and lost.

Blessings to all who have and will post here....
-Kristi

[kcf1971]

it's so sad

wow. You were so young too. I'm so sorry.

I think because I'm 36, I was always kind of worried about miscarriage. And if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again, i'll be that much more fretful. It does kind of jade you, doesn't it? I have blithely happy, un-scared pregnant friends and I can't relate. Sigh.

[Guest]

Answers

I want to talk to the woman who has the answers on how it gets easier. Its a relief to see that I am not the only one feeling this way, but it's still hard. I guess I'm really new in this process, and not married, and in a relationship I'm not sure will stand the test of this tragedy honestly. I feel like my entire life has fallen apart. It has to get answers, but when?