Can't Handle This~! (RePost)

[Guest]

I lost my baby on November 6th. I was 7 weeks and 6 days.



I am trying to get through this the best way possible. It is not easy. I never would have imagined it being so hard, and while I think I am a very strong person, every morning is harder than the last. Every time I sit on my toilet, walk in the house, feel any of this pain, I think of what I lost. I want to crawl up in a corner and just waste away.

Any advice of how I can get through this?

[Guest]

Six years and six months ago I could have written this exact post.

That's why I feel compelled to reply even though I've only been a lurker on this board for more than a year.

I am so sorry for your loss.

More than six years ago I too was 8 weeks pg. I lost twin girls. It was my third IVF, I'd hyperstimulated badly, I was so sick. But I never complained because being pg was my dream. How could I complain when I got my dream? Just when the physical pain started to abate we lost the heartbeats. The physical pain was N.O.T.H.I.N.G compared to the emotional pain. I.Could.Not.Handle.It.

Within days I knew I couldn't handle this myself. No amount of life experience or education prepares you or teaches you how to handle the situation. I found someone to talk to and I encourage you to do the same. Use every ounce of whatever insurance you have to seek someone to talk to. Find a psychotherapist who is experienced with fetal loss. She/he will guide you to any other forms of help you need.

Get as much sleep as you can. If you can't go back to your treating doctor (RE, OB/Gyn...whomever) and ask for help. I literally was able to get maybe 2hours of sleep a night. I didn't want to encounter my dreams so I fought sleep. When I was driving from point A to point B and not remembering the trip and getting lost on simple drives that I have previously known by heart (and I am so not navigationally challenged under normal circumstances) that my psychotherapist encouraged me...actually forced me to call from her office...to call my RE who prescribed Ambien. Then when even sleep didn't "cure" me completely we moved on to Xanax and an antidepressant - short term.

Find any way to relax that you can. Massages, acupuncture, pedicures, exercise, getting lost in a library...driving to a town where no one knows you for the day. Do whatever it takes to relax.

Avoid triggers that set off your emotions. I couldn't be anywhere near someone who was pg or even near babies. I'd literally shake and break out in a sweat. I had to avoid baby showers, bridal showers, christenings, you name it. Fortunately, my husband understood but it took him a while to get to that point.

Get it all out. Scream. Drive to a deserted area and scream in your car. If you can't do that get in the shower, turn up the stereo as loud as you dare and scream under the water.

Acknowledge your loss. You lost a life. Name that life and grieve for it. And don't expect yourself to be "over" it in a day. You lost someone you loved. Grieve. And don't rush yourself. Write letters to your baby. Send balloons up to heaven. Plant a tree in your child's honor. Build a small reflecting area in a corner of your yard where you can go to be alone and think about your baby.

Do not listen to others who expect you to get over it on their schedule. Everyone grieves differently. You will grieve how you want to grieve and for how long YOU want to grieve. That should be the end of that discussion with anyone who thinks they know better than you do what your grieving schedule should be.

And I promise it will eventually get better.

For some people it gets better quickly. For others it take longer. It took me a long time. But it was a gradual process...getting better all the time. And I still haven't forgotten. Every year, both at my loss date in May and at my due date in December, I lose it.

I went on to do 5 more IVFs, 4 donor egg cycles (some with donor sperm too), and maybe 3 FETs...or was it 4?...and at leat one more miscarriage?. We finally went overseas to adopt the most beautiful baby boy. We adopted him virtually sight unseen and he is the most handsome 5 year old...tons more handsome than my DH and I could have genetically produced. And smart as a whip! I love him more than I ever thought possible.

Because of a D&C and through the magic of karyotyping , we know I lost identical twin girls. They had an extra chromosome that was incompatable with life. And now I can thank God (or whomever) every day for my losses because without them, I wouldn't have my Evan. And he might still be languishing in an orphanage in a third world country...or worse. I know my girls are looking down on us every day.

I will you all the best and I am sorry for your loss.

Nadine
Mom to Heavenly Angels - Abbie & Allie (2002)
Mom to Earthly Angel (some days!) - Evan (b. 7/2003; a. 4/2004)

[Guest]

Thank you!

Nadine,

Words can't express how grateful I am that you shared this with me. A part of me felt like what I was feeling was just not right. It's so helpful to see that I am not alone in the this process. And my thoughts are not so left field. In the beginning I had problems sleeping, but now I just get up once in the middle of the night. Funny how I miss the constant bathroom visits and sore breasts. I feel so empty. Who knew that the baby took up so much space already in my heart and body.

I went to my OB/GYN and the pregnant women and newborn babies in the waiting nearly made me fall apart. I have to go back for another follow-up and I don't know how I will be able to handle it. My boyfriends sister is pregnant right now and we were actually due around the same day. That is so close to home. I'm not sure how this will affect me. Especially since he will be happy to meet and spend time with his new niece or nephew and I will probably want to stay far away. I am going to try and talk to someone soon and hope this helps.

Thanks again, your words really Helped me!
-Kay.

[sfpierce]

Hugs and love....

Just because mc happens doesn't mean it doesn't hurt... I lost 4 (between 5 and 13 wks) and it was horrible. When I lost my 3rd (at it was looking like we would never bc pg), my cousin's girlfriend got pg (and they had just broken up). Just be sure to be good to yourself. Talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling and come talk to us... (I don't usual lurk or post here but I spotted your note -- you can always find me on PAI if you need me)

[Truely]

I am so sorry for your loss- I was where you are three times... with no answers, complete devistation, and questioning God. But, I am now a "mommm" to a 14 month old gift of a baby boy. I found a ob who was willing to try everything and because of this website I also found out about the millenova immunology lab. I had bloodwork done and found that I needed a specific treatment before conception and during the first three months of pregnancy-
If you want to become a mommy, you will. My husband and I decided to "try" to have a baby one more time (after the three misses) and we decided to look into international adoption at the same time. After researching it, we knew that even if we were able to have a biological child we would also adopt a baby.
I understand what it is like to have someone close to you expecting a child- but, when I met the baby for the first time I was so sure of how I would feel- and I was wrong! I realized a baby is love- maybe the baby wasn't mine but, I still had love for it and for the parents- didn't make me less sad or upset at my own situation but, it made me realize that just because these people got to be parents did not have anything to do with my future ability to become a parent- they just got to experience it before me- way before me.
I think you did the right thing by reaching out on this site. I hope that somehow this makes you feel less alone with your feelings-

[Guest]

This site has been so great!

I can really say that apart of my healing is due to the wonderful lessons from this site including the miscarriage manual.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's only been 12 days, so I'm not sure what steps we will take if any, but I have learned alot about my options.

I am so grateful.
Kay

[Guest]

Thank You.

I definitely know that losing at any stage is hard. Some are probably shocked how hard it is for me since I was so early in the process, but it is what it is.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's amazing how hearing others stories, make it so much easier. Each day is so different. One day I think I've conquered all and then it hits me hard the next.

I know it will get better.
Kay

[JodiG]

((((hugs)))))

I am so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to join us on grief and loss board for support.

http://www.inciid.org/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=145

((((hugs)))))

INCIIDJodi

[rellie]

I too felt the same way you did. There wasn't any words that could heal my inner pain and deep thoughts. I felt like a failure, I felt lost and alone. I questioned GOD. I questioned myself. Did I do something horribly wrong to deserve this? Why me? Why them? Why her? I was a horrible mess and from time to time, I still get emotional and the emotions take me back to that specific moment.
I had two miscarriages. I lost a heartbeat at 7-8 wks. I was 11 weeks along. I have no children and this was the first lost. Nothing prepares you for such a thing. No one really talkes about it. No one really tells you what "could" happen. I was astonished in the fact that everyone keeps quiet about it until it happens. Yes, it's hurtful and painful but I never knew it was this common. And, of course.., the last thing I wanted to hear was that "it happens alot".., "don't worry, it just wasn't your time".. I HATED it all!! I wanted them ALL to shut up!
I don't wish this upon anyone either. It is the most challenging thing I have ever gone through in my life. No one can ever prepare you for this. You must be strong and hold on tight.
I saw a counselor shortly after, no help. Then one day, I took a walk in the park and cried, cried and cried my eyes out listening to Hootie and the Blowfish on my IPOD. I sat under a tree and cried myself to a nap. I still remember the noise in the park. The children laughing, the sound of the rustling leaves, the wind coming and going on a nice 80 degree day. It waas the most beautiful day out but the most drowning for me. No one knows that I went to the park and cried for a couple of hours. And, no one has to know. I spoke to GOD and told him to help me, guide me. I spoke to my baby and told him/her to be my angel thru life and help me become a mother someday. After that day, I felt a little better. I walked away like, "ok.., it's going to be okay".
Then I found a great way to let go and become intune with my inner strength. Meditation. I never knew how powerful it was until now.

All I can say is that... the pain gets better but never forgotten.

hugs to all of you!!!

[rellie]

I am sorry for your loss.

[TinaT]

Ok - don't really know where to begin....but here goes.

Let me start by saying I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you went through and what you still are enduring. My husband and I have been trying to 7.5 years to conceive. We've done 7 or 8 IUI's and 1 un-successful IVF procedure 2 years ago, almost 3 now. While I can't relate to knowing how it feels to get a pregnancy confirmed and losing it, I can relate (I think) to the loss you must have felt, the emptiness you had to or may still be having to overcome. When we did IVF they put 2 embryos in and we lost both of them. We also lost the other 6 that had been fertilized...they just didn't make it. They were never inserted. Why I decided to respond to your post was this....I feel I can help you somewhat with dealing with God and how you relate to him in this situation. If there is one thing I've learned since the unsuccessful IVF is that God truely does love me...he wants me to have children as badly as I want them. I have spent the last 2 years "coming back" emotionally from that devestating experience and what has helped me to get back to where I am emotionally is the fact that I let God speak to me...I let him show me how much he loves me. I can't really explain in words how this happened other than at times I literally felt the presence of God around me...at work....in the car....at church (definitely)....everywhere. I've also learned that God didn't do this to me. I can't explain why it hasn't happened yet for us other than I also have a disease called Cystic Fibrosis. Its not been confirmed that is the issue but I'm sure it plays into it. Since the IVF two years ago I've found that I'm at a place (and probably where God would want me to be) that my hands are by my sides. I no longer have the power to do this on my own. I've put it in God's hands, given Him the care of it and I know and feel that, that is when he takes over and takes control. Once we realize we can't do anything without Him and that WE NEED HIM, thats when he steps in and saves the day. He is a good God and He wants good things for you!!! He just wants you to trust Him, trust His Word. His blessings are yes and amen to us who believe. I would encourage you to read Deuteronomy 28:11. Repeat that verse over and over to yourself. Gods Word is truth and He doesn't lie and His Word also does not return unto Him void which means that it doesn't return unto Him UNTIL His Word has done what it was sent to do!! Again, remember, he loves you and wants the best for you!! Thank you for letting me share with you what God has taught me through all my grief.

-Tina

[sneelaw]

Just a lurker here but this could have been me 8 years ago

I had three miscarriages that I know of, most likely more that I did not know. I remember the isolation and how I was totally so depressed. I stopped enjoying almost anything. I remember trying to get help and being told that I would get over it. Dh and I were not communicating and we almost got divorced over all the stress. Anyway, I went on to have two ds's and one dd and even now, after all these years, I still recall the pain. Take care of yourself. Take time to grieve. People can be so insensitive sometimes.

[trek]

Its is never easy to lose a pregnancy at any point. So sorry for your loss.

[jennt18]

I am so sorry for your loss, I so far in my life have not been threw anything as painful as when I loss my Twin Angels at 23 weeks and 5 days. A year later I am finally starting to feel better I do have bad moments but they are fewer. I will never forget my twins. My husband & I planted a tree in our back yard and put a stone of angel babies beside it is. I can go out there and sit and cry or just dream about what they would have been like. Sometimes it really helps. I also have a wind chime hanging right outside my deck and sometimes when I get really sad or upset I here that chime and I can here my babies saying momma its okay were in heaven with God and it is wonderful. That right there gives me peace. I can just imagine how spoiled rotten my babies You all are in my prayers and thoughts!

[RiaKhan]

I was 4 weeks preg, it was a birthday gift to my husband - and then within a week I lost it, had high temp 104 and dehydrated- it has been 2 days and I feel terrible, incomplete, guilty.. just can't express how bad it is...