Feeling so guilty, depressed, saddened...

[lostandsaddened]

I am 37 years old, overweight but healthy and I am a mom of a 16 year old great son! 7 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. The man in my life has no kids so this was awesome for him though I felt so unsure and not so happy about this pregnancy.

I miscarried and had a complete D and C this past Monday. At first, I was completely OK. I was so unsure how I felt almost at ease.... Though the man in my life didn't take it very well. He couldn't face me, wouldnt discuss it and still hasnt and basically left for the weekend when he found out i miscarried.

I had the D and C Monday and suddenly I became an emotional reck. Every where I look someones pregnant, babies are crying, kids... and I am feeling sooo Guilty and depressed.... My feelings of not being so happy about the pregnancy have made me feel completely guilty like it was my fault...I am over weight and know that could have had some effect on why I missed carried so I can't stop blaming myself.

The man in my life and I just keep fighting now about anything and everything... I dont think we will make it through this...though he says he knows its not my fault I think he feels the same way.

I feel helpless, saddened, Im lost unfocused and don't really know how to move forward. The man in my life hasn't spoken a word about the miscarriage to me and we are going on with life as though nothing happen though there is such a big space and a lot of distance between us. I dont know what to do. HELP!!!

[bjladams]

I am sorry no one responded to you sooner. I haven't been on the boards for a while. I just wanted you to know, if you are still there, that it is not your fault. I am overweight and had two beautiful little girls before I had three miscarriages in a row. It is more likely your age that is the cause and that is something you can't do anything about. Mine was my age! But you shouldn't feel guilty. Just because you weren't excited about being pregnant at first and then lost it, doesn't make it your fault. My second miscarriage was that way. I was surprised and at a point where I didn't want to be pregnant but then when I lost it I was devasted. That is part of being human. Try to sit down with your man and pick a name for you would have been child and maybe go through a little private memorial for the child. It might help you and your man reconnect and support each other through this hard time. And give it time, you must give both of you time! Your (and his) grief will come and go. One day you may not think about it at all and then all of a sudden something sparks you memory and you are sad. Just let it come and go with it.
Hope you are both still together!
Barb

[JodiG]

Childrren mentioned in posts below nt

nt

[Veronica]

Emerging...

Hi,

I had a miscarriage during the past year too. Although I am married, I have never felt so alone as in that moment. He was in denial, didn't know how to cope and avoided me. Looking back, I realize he wouldn't have been able to cope with some of the things I dealt with.

We stuck it out and I actually took some mild anti-depressants for 3 weeks to help my hormones get back to a better state where I didn't melt every time I saw a pg. woman or newborn.

I hope that you are doing well. You are and your baby are in my prayers.

[Jocalvin]

Veronica, what meds did you take to help you? I just suffered my 4rth loss after years of infertility treatment and this was our last hope...I'm really struggling and think medication might help me, but I don't want to be on anything long term...I know with time I will heal. Right now though, the anguish is unbearable and I just need some kind of help to get through it....

[Veronica]

Meds...

Hi,

You know, I am not sure. They mysteriously disappeared when I was almost done with the first script (I think it was my husband's way of telling me I didn't need them anymore. It worked out nicely. I had told him before I started to take them that I was extremely afraid to take them because I had heard that they were addicting.).

I'm sure that if you asked your doctor they would prescribe you whatever would work out best for you. My dose was mild, but seriously enough to get me through the day.

At first I was a little uncomfortable, even embarrassed. I was so happy that even when things went badly (seeing someone fall) I would laugh. This was a totally unnatural feeling - for me to lack empathy. I had gone from one extreme to the other. I was a ball of positivity and full of energy. Now that I am off of them, I am thankful for their purpose, but even happier to no longer need them.

There have been a few times when I thought, "Wow, before those meds I would never have been able to do this (play with a baby, go to baby parties, etc...)." I can look back now and realize how bad I was truly getting, that it wasn't the real me because I was so damaged and hurt over the lose.

I pray that you make the right decision for yourself and speak to your doctor. I think that was the hardest part. My husband was there, and it was the first time that I had said anything about it to anyone, including him. I was embarrassed and afraid. They were kind and understanding. I will be praying for you and wishing you healing and future baby dust (It took me a year to try again. I have been stressed all day because we are going to try another round of clomid. We tried in February, but had no luck.).

Veronica

[Veronica]

getting hopeful...

Thank you for sharing with me. I am doing well right now. Getting excited to find out what is happening with IVF and INCIID. Haven't heard anything yet, but I am still hopeful.

I have a friend who is currently doing her second round of ivf with a donor egg. Send her your prayers please. She is having a hard time relaxing and letting go of what happened the last time.

I know that the docs always say to relax, but we all know it is the hardest thing to do.

Luv to you all.

[Veronica]

haven't heard from u in a while...

hi. just wanted to hear what's been going on with u. haven't heard from u in some time. wishing u happiness and good day... Veronica

[Jocalvin]

Hi

Not sure if you were referring to me or not Veronica but I'm doing Ok, how about you? I had a consult with my RE in April and he now recommends we move onto donor egg :o( as he feels my egg quality is the most likely problem at this point. I still do have 2 frozen embryos, but they are of low quality and I was going to discard them as I can't afford to throw away another 5k on a cycle that won't work, esp if I need to come up with 30K for a donor cycle. My RE didn't want us to do that so he's generously offering to do the FET for free (yes, free!). To say his kindness blew us away is an understatement! I still can't quite believe it actually. We are going to go through with it because I do think it's better to give the embies a chance rather than throwing them away, but I just know in my heart it's not going to work and am delaying the FET because I'm not looking fwd to another failed cycle, or worse, another loss. I'm trying to instead focus on becoming zen with the idea of donor egg...I'm fairly certain I'm going to use Shady Grove in MD b/c of their incredible shared risk program and I can still do my monitoring with current doc (who really prefers I use him for the donor, but sadly he can't offer shared risk and it's too much $ for us to gamble with) but we're just not quite "there" yet iykwim. Hopefully we'll be moving forward with DE by the end of the year though, I'm getting tired of waiting for a baby!

I hope all is well with you. Please post an update on you when you can...

Best wishes,

JoAnn

[Veronica]

i am in tune with u sis...

hi. that sucks. my friend did the donor egg without a good program and it didn't work. they had to wait and save up again to try it with the frozen de - she should be on bed rest now. i'm praying it works for her.

i hope that you'll be able to have success. i think ur right to pay the extra $ for the extra chances/insurance/ $ back? if it doesn't work the 1st time.

we actually chose a place for ivf that has the same thing. we need to qualify for it, hopefully we will. we've decided to walk away from our house to pay for the medical bills. some people think i've gone off the deep end, but we are willing to give it ALL to God and have faith it will work out and i will be successfully treated. i wish CA had a law to guarantee first time IVF at least. I should be able to have coverage for the effects of my diseases (fybroids and stage 4 endo). I'm preaching to the choir, I know, but people just don't know until they go through this experience.

I'll b praying for u. i might have enough ivf$ by this summer without the house. we'll c.

[Jocalvin]

Yeah, it's really hard to not use my RE for the DE after all he's done for me, but it's just too much $ to risk on one chance, but at least he understands and will still work with SG in DC for us...I just wish we could've made it happen with our own eggs. It breaks my heart that I won't be biol. connected to the child ya know.

As for your decision to walk away from your house...I understand the desperation but REALLY think about this hun...what if the cycle doesn't work? Couldn't you just finance the cycle with a bank?? Have you spoken to your doctor about your financial difficulties as well? I did that with my RE and he gave me a discount off the last FET cycle and is doing this final FET for FREE...if you haven't done that please think about it. Most doctors want to help and can be flexible with their fees.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you do. Please keep us posted.

JoAnn

PS: Best of luck to your friend too!

[Veronica]

something to think about...

thanks for sharing your opinion. it's something we have considered at great length.

as for the choice of words: desperation, i've never quite thought of it like that... another something to think about. i'm not sure how i feel about that word... hmmmm... i'm going to have to sit on that one for awhile.
wdyt?

[Jocalvin]

I really hope my choice of words didn't offend you, that wasn't my intention at all...desperation certainly aplies to my situation though and it's not a fun place to be in I'm glad you given your decision a lot of thought too, everyone has got to do what's best for themselves. I pray it will bring you your miracle!

Best wishes,

JoAnn

[Veronica]

Thanks JoAnn...

Don't worry. It's not u. I just never let myself think about it like that. I think it's true at this point, I just hadn't put myself with that word. It was an eye opener to say the least (& true). I am going to get some of my things taken cared off this month and then I will hopefully qualify for their refund program, just in case. I'm trying to keep myself positive.

I got some bad news today about my friend that had a surrogate egg. She got a negative p test. Just send her ur prayers. she needs it right now. This is their second try. they may need to just do a complete surrogacy with her hubby's sperm or adopt.

[Jocalvin]

So sorry about your friend, what a devastating disappointment. I hope they will find a way to become parents soon. Good luck to you with all your plans too. Pleae keep us posted