Need help with friend who lost their baby @ 6 mos. pregnant

[JenniferCT]

Hi everyone, I was a long time member of INCIID and now I need your help. A friend of mine just lost their baby @ 6 months pregnant. They tried for a very long time to get pregnant so this is doubly hard. I don't know what to do for them....I know it needs to be acknowledged. I want to send them something special since my husband is the DH's best friend. Please help!!!! Are flowers enough? A plant? Some type of memorial?

Thank you so much for your help and my heart goes out to all of your for your losses.

Jen

[Annette]

Hi Jen,

I'm sorry no one replied to your post sooner. What a terrible loss, I can't imagine what that's like. I haven't personally experienced a miscarriage so I feel I am a bit unqualified in that regard. But, I do have a close friend who had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. Her way of dealing with it was to not want to talk about it and forget that it happened. So I think may be one of those things where everyone grieves differently. Of course however you want to show you care I'm sure would be well received. You have probably already decided what you want to do for them, but here are just some ideas of what I would do if I were in your shoes and were trying to think of something special. The Arbor Day Foundation will plant a tree in memory for a small donation (this is especially nice if they love nature or gardening http://www.arborday.org/join/tictim/ Or sometimes people are very devoted to charity, you could make a donation to their favorite charity. In any case, you could think of what the couple is really involved in and find a way to honor their child in that manner. If you feel like presenting them with a condelence gift, there is this website http://www.findgift.com/Categories/Keepsakes/Memorials/ the windchimes look so pretty and what a neat idea. Or if they are religious, a special candle that they can burn in honor of their baby. I hope you were able to figure out what to do, let me know how things went.

[atvlady]

I am sorry to hear of your friends loss. I delivered a living baby girl at 20+1 but to me developing Severe PIH, Preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. From a personal stand point just being there for her, giving her a shoulder to cry on, listening, let her say what she needs to say, don't try to tell her to feel a certain way cause only she can decide that and above all, ask her what YOU can do for her. Helping her pay bills, clean house, you name it. Leave it up to her, she needs support. Flowers would be nice but if she's out of work with no income, if you showed up with groceries that would be more helpful. Hope this helps. I know from wearing her shoes this is what helped me manage the darkest days of my life.

[jenwagner]

Child Loss

I am now infertile, but I did have a baby girl in 2009. She was a healthy, beautiful little girl and was so full of life. We had her for 2 birthdays. When she was 2 yrs, 7 months, and 25 days old, she passed away. She started throwing up on a Thursday and went into cardiac arrest three days later. The folks in the ER tried to revive her, but they weren't able to bring her back. She passed away because a virus attacked her heart-myocarditis.
I can't even begin to speak the entire story because I won't be able to breathe. Just typing those words has me sobbing. My counselor tells me that I have PTSD from that day. Having had a miscarriage after her death, I can tell you that loss is loss. While I didn't have a chance to love the child I miscarried (I had a positive HCG for one day), I can tell you that there is a place that you go when you lose a child. There are days when I can talk about my Cathrynne, other days when I can't, days when it is hard to get out of bed, other days where I'm ok. The one piece of advice I can provide is to let the mom be what she needs to be that day. Even if I seem happy, my grief is just under the surface. I've never forgotten my daughter. The friends I've found the most comfort in have been those who accepted me for whatever I was on that specific day. If I'm a zombie in the corner, it is ok. Just try to be what they need on that day. I hope this makes sense.
I will have to come back another day to ask for comfort. This posting has left me raw.