Feeling horribly insecure...

[Lanie]

This will be long and rambling--I'm feeling really troubled about this whole thing. No need to comment necessarily--I just need to put it all out and hope I find some way to sort it out. Thanks if you read.

I had a conversation with my MIL last night that has me questioning everything about my parenting. First of all--why do people do that to eachother? Parenting is HARD--you make good choices, bad decisions, fly and soar, crash and burn--and as long as the kids don't grow up to be serial killers, things turn out ok, right?

I have 2 awesome kids (dd is 12--ds is 16). They excel academically, are active in sports, theater, dd is into horses--I often call them "stepford children" because they don't bicker like "normal" siblings, are respectful and appropriate around adults--in short, I don't have to do much more than guide them. From the outside it might look like we push because they do well--dh and I truly have to do little more than provide opportunity (like with horses)--they kids supply the drive. Our challenge is more to rein in their drive than supply it. Sometimes I wonder which is harder--raising an overachiever or an underachiever--two sides of the spectrum, each with very real challenges.

My MIL is a master-degreed early childhood educator. She made a specific point when her children were small--and she flat out told me last night--not to ever tell her children she was proud of them. To her mind, (and some study she spews) telling children you are proud of them begets a mindset that the praise is the goal. My children, in her words, are "praise junkies" and it's our fault for creating that. I have always told my kids that I'm proud of them--because I am! That's not to say they are perfect--far from it! But we've been very blessed to have it really easy. I do wait for the shoe to drop and something major to happen--I'm sure it will eventually--but I'm thankful to have avoided it thus far.

Yesterday, dd participated in the 4h horseshow at the fair. Horses are her "thing". She rode her horse for the first time in a show--she and dh have been training him in earnest for about 8 months now. He was green, green green when we got him--he's far from perfect--but his growth has been amazing. The best part is that dd and dh have done this on their own and together. Anyway, dd always puts pressure on to be perfect--we work on that as a family and in counselling--yesterday was just a not so perfect day. She has anxiety issues (I'm bipolar so there's a nature/nurture componant--we're working on it) and they hit a fever pitch when it came to the riding portion. She did great in halter class and JJ was awesome. He really needed to be lunged before she rode but they had literally 5 mins to saddle and hit the arena. DD's anxiety was rising, he was antsy and totally fed off of her. She got him in the arena and he, being in a new situation and not paying attention, began to move faster than she was comfortable with. Dh was riding in the same class and he walked with her, told her she could totally handle it and tried to talk her through it. Then one of her barnmates fell off (saddle slipped) and she (dd) was done. While they were attending to the fallen rider, dd and I slipped out of the arena and I got her calmed down. We had a talk that she was more capable than she thought but there was also no shame in saying enough--if it's not fun and you're not ready that's fine. The key is to feel safe. What I later found out was that in addition to JJ being spooky, dd not being confident and Ashley taking a tumble, Dd's nemesis was in the stands. This girl tormented dd for most of last year and that kicked dd's "if I can't be perfect and show her she should leave me alone I'm out" instinct into full force. It's hell being 12.

Long story longer, MIL proceeded to tell me that this is a symptom of why she's "so worried" about dd. She has too much pressure, can't be a kid, is always so tight, she went on and on and on. She talked about how the kids are "clones" of me and dh (don't kids pattern after the people they live with?) with unreasonable expectations and ideas. Um, I didn't raise ds to be an athiest or a republican but he's both. The reality is that she spends VERY little time with either of my kids. If she did, she would realize they can be just a silly as 6 year olds one minute and ready to defend a thesis the other. They speak like little adults when appropriate and giggle over spongebob and Fineas and Ferb like the little geeks they are.

I have no idea why this is bothering me. I think, as moms, we always question "how we're doing" and having someone criticize rocks us to the core. Could I do better? Most definitely! Have I screwed up? Absolutely! Are they thriving in spite of me? I believe so. I just wonder if I'm missing something huge that is going to really create problems.

I've seen the results of the "don't say I'm proud" mentality. Dh is very smart but was a C student in school because of her hands off approach--and all 4 of his siblings are the same way. One SIL and one BIL have gotten it together--other SIL is a flake (and if you want to be worried about a kid--look at the 16 yo that acts 9, throws all out 2 yo tempertantrums in public, chats with 25 yo's online and is destined to be a statistic that lives in her house). Dh excelled in basketball (all state) and his parents were always "too busy" to watch him play. He had the drive to do it anyway--school, he didn't much care.

In my heart I know my kids are fine. Yesterday, dd was up at 4:30 (so, tired) and amped -- plus school starts tomorrow. Her bff of the last 7 years is moving next weekend so she won't have her normal buffer from the bullies. The girl that I posted about before (with the fb drama and dd standing up to her) is making her way to dd wanting to be bff's again...she's just not sure where she will fit this year and it's stressful. We'll work through it and she'll bounce--might be rocky while she gets her feet under her but we'll make it work.

These kids are my LIFE...I don't helicopter (much) and help when asked (ok, I can meddle but I try to stay out of it as long as I can). I don't know why this has me so shaken...I seriously spent all last night tossing and turning and feeling like such a failure--maybe I'm the praise junkie...

Sorry for the ramble.

[Troy]

So here's the thing: in my view your MIL is making one really big mistake, and that is, not looking at children as individuals. Maybe praise is bad for some kids (although as a kid who received no praise at all I am not AT ALL persuaded by that), maybe some kids really need the reassurance. The thing is YOUR kids are doing well and whatever theoretical problems are going to crop up in the future from having too much praise they probably pale in comparison to the problems associated with not having any, or even worse, being criticized.

It's not my nature to overpraise (having learned how not to praise early and often from a master of the trait), but I do try to praise when I think my kids are going off balance in criticizing themselves or feeling like their efforts are not being appreciated, or when they really do achieve something special.

Your MIL should know better than to interfere like that.

[KariM]

Rule #1

In the Grandparent handbook is to never give parenting advice...EVER!

I think you are doing a great job. This shows because your daughter could walk away when it was too stressful. You were supportive of that. A true overachieving mom would have pushed her daughter to continue.

I am sorry it happened.

Hugs,
Kari

[psilverman]

Read your post... you answer your own question

YOU know your children.
I am sure all over the country there are opposite conversations going on where grandparents believe grandchildren are being coddled.

Why it bothers you -- because someone is not only criticizing the way you are raising your children, but saying that you are somehow harming them.

Based on how your dd handled the fb situation, and how in touch (and you) seem to be about how she is feeling, my vote is that you are doing just fine.

Look I don't agree with some of the choices my friends make as parents, I am quite sure they don't agree with mine. I don't always agree (in the long run) with decisions I have made... we do our best. we love.

As for telling our kids we are proud of them... would she prefer the child feel that they never are good enough?

[kikih]

I totally get why this is bothering you. Your MIL is being condesending. She is throwing her educuated oponion at you like you are of lesser intelligence. This would drive me nuts also. I would much rather have a praise junky kid than a real junky kid. You are not telling your kids that they are perfect, that would be worrisome. You are telling them that you are proud. If she starts to get under your skin again, I would tell her, " I normally value your oponion, but I really do not want your oponion on this matter right now."

[SaraV]

I've read some of the "don't praise" literature, and I've even gotten into debates on it in other online arenas.

There is something, I think, to the idea of not *overpraising* -- that is, not helicoptering, not praising them for stuff they'd do anyway, not making praise their reason for doing anything at all.

But the "don't praise" thing has been taken to incredible extremes by a few figureheads in the field, and I think it shows, honestly, a lack of understanding of something more basic than educational theory.

Human beings are social animals. We're primates, we evolved living in close-knit groups. As such, we instinctively look at the reactions of others to guide our own behavior, to let us know if we're on the right track. It is absolutely an instinct. Babies watch faces from the time they are minutes old, and can differentiate between emotional expressions on faces not long after that. Infants and children, even when it seems like they are rebelling and testing limits, are actually doing things to provoke specific reactions from their parents and other people around them, to see what happens, to understand the rules and guidelines of the group in which they live -- and moderate, constructive praise when they do the "right" thing (whatever the "right" thing is for their social group) is what they *need*.

I know this isn't entirely what you were posting about, because its the larger context of what she said and how it made you feel. And I'm sorry she was a big dork, and I'm sorry she made you feel crappy, because it sounds like you're doing a pretty darn fine job with your kids.

And I might point out that Ms. "No Praise" was, in fact, playing on your natural, inborn praise-seeking instinct to make you feel bad in her criticism. And that the "absolutely no praise" theory is, IMO, full of it.

[sfpierce]

my understanding of the whole

"don't praise" stuff is that you should praise the effort... not the result...

and honestly it sounds like that is where your focus is... you are proud because of the work she has put into things, NOT the "perfect" result.

I think your MIL is WAY out of line and I would let it roll off you (I know... easier said than done). But, all in all, the proof is in the pudding as they say and you have GREAT kids

[fatcat]

I am sure you are a fabulous mom and your girls are obviously doing fantastic in life.

My only comment is I have read some studies on the "praise junkie" thing and I can't recall any specific suggestion to not mention how proud you are...? One thing I recall being an important aspect is to not stress how "good" or "smart" or "perfect" a child did when giving praise, but to stress how "hard they worked" or "their efforts showed," etc. The idea being that kids will easily get discouraged for not doing something "right" or "perfect" and will discount the entire performance no matter how hard they tried or even if they came in a close second! I guess something to the effect of kids who were praised for giving their best effort had better self esteem and reported finding activities more fun and worthwhile, compared to kids who were praised for being "so smart" or "so athletic" or best in whatever it is.

[Katie2]

Your MIL is wrong

1. You know your kids better than anyone, including her. You know what they need and it sounds like you're giving it to them.

2. I cannot imagine how difficult an experience the horse show would have been for your daughter if you'd taken your MIL's approach. You did the right thing for her at the right time.

3. I believe this whole thing bothers you because you want to be the best parent you can be, and are open to the possibility that there might be a better way than what you have been doing. I think that shows incredible intelligence, maturity, and confidence.

I am sorry your MIL's comments have rocked your world like they did. It sounds like you're doing an amazing job as a mom. I know it is difficult, but please try to ignore her. She really has no clue.

[zoeyz]

It sounds like you are great parents! Listen, your MIL had her chance to raise children, it's your turn now. Just consider the source and don't let her get under your skin. Being a 12 year old girl is hard and it's much different than when you were 12 or when your MIL was 12.

[Val.]

Goodness gracious, I'd hate for her to be my MIL because I feel like a failure after reading your post! LOL Seriously, though, she has her opinions, but has no real business in telling you and your DH how to parent. What's your DH's take on this, by the way?

With the praise studies, the problem they've found is that we praise our children globally and too much, and that it leads to over-inflated egos, insecurity, etc. It's important to recognize what it is we are praising. For example, my DS is an A/B honor student. He doesn't work hard for this. He is gifted, which was a God given gift, and I'm not going to over praise him for something that he could do with very little effort. I know parents who pay their kids for A/Bs an give elaborate rewards. But, I think that's where many are missing the boat. What we should be praising are things that they've worked for and things they have control over... their commitment, their persistence and perseverance, their character, and their honesty, etc. And praise should be specific in order to build self esteem and confidence, such as "I admire the way you planned out that project for school. You really organized it well by putting each step down on your calendar." instead of "I'm so proud of you for getting an A."

The thing is that your kids don't sound (from your post) like they are struggling. It also doesn't sound like you put an abnormal or unhealthy amount of pressure on them. I absolutely wouldn't let her comments bother you at all, nor cause you to miss sleep or question your parenting. Since you are working with a counselor, I'd most definitely bring it up at your next session so you can "get it out of your system."

I see no harm in letting articles, others' comments, things we've read or heard cause us to reflect on what we're doing as parents and/or make improvements. But, most definitely they should not lead you to feeling insecure about your parenting skills.


Val

[val36]

I can't add much to what the others have said

except to say that your MIL is sticking her nose where it doesn't belong.
Sounds to me like you're doing a great job. Kids need to know their parents are proud of them!! And more importantly, be proud of themselves.

Sounds like your kids have a lot to be proud of!

[KirstenP]

So much good advice here so I'll just give you a hug.

Kirsten