Evan isn't getting invited to any birthday parties

[LandB]

What a classic elem school nightmare, right? I was on the schoolyard this morning chatting with two other moms, women I consider friends, and one of them mentioned that she has to go buy a present for "Jane's" (not real name) birthday party. The other said "shoot, me too, and that's tomorrow!" Then they both looked at me and sort of cringed because they realized that Evan wasn't invited.

I feel really dumb because just last weekend, I put a *ton* of time and effort into having Jane and her family out to the barn where I keep my horse, and I let Jane ride (she is a horse-crazy little girl). This was a huge favor to them given all the hoops I had to jump through to get permission to bring her, and the sacrifice of my own time to ride, etc. etc. (which they knew). It seems a little nervy to me that they would not even invite Evan to a birthday party.

And, one of the moms I was chatting with this morning had a party for her son's birthday a couple of months ago. Evan wasn't invited to that either. And weirder, she had stopped by my house to ask to borrow a mixer to make a cake for the party that Evan wasn't invited to! At the time I told myself "well, maybe it's just a family party" but I later learned (when her son told Evan!) that it was a kid party and he just wasn't invited.

So thinking about this more, I realize that almost *all* of the kids in his class have turned 6 in the past 9 months and Evan has been invited to precisely *one* party -- for a little girl whose parents invited every single child in the class.

I feel so sad for him, and kind of bewildered too. And maybe it's petty but I am feeling personally dissed, also. At least two of these moms are people who'll call me, and I'll call them, for favors. We go out for coffee after drop-off sometimes. I can't help it, I am taking it personally that they would not invite my kid to their kids' birthday parties.

Just sad, and looking to share. Thanks for listening.

Lisa

[danellsar]

Totally understand and sympathize. Dd almost never gets invited to b'day parties. She has one good friend who will always invite her, and one other girl who's mom is MY good friend, so they'll usually invite dd. Other than that, she hasn't had a b'day invite for years. It's sad and it hurts dd's feelings as much as mine.
Ellen

[NancyR]

Hugs Lisa! No words of wisdom here.

We're in the same boat, and it's been awful. There's been a few parties where the entire class is invited, which is what we did too. I even had a few moms thank me for inviting the entire class (I guess we're not the only ones feeling this way)! Non reciprocation of play dates - and even phone calls. Teasing relentlessly that everyone else is going to a party but Leela because "they're afraid she'll fall." on and on it goes. Leela's been sobbing on my shoulder because she feels so left out and lonely. I just found out that when she first started class the kids were calling her monster (all of which the teacher and aide didn't hear supposedly). Leela doesn't play with anyone at recess time either. She has decided to just look at nature (uhm we live in the city). Yep, and I agree that it's very hurtful as a mom too! Maddening actually, and I've lost respect for most of the moms in the classroom for that reason! I consider many of them phonies and I can't believe grown women are so d@mn into cliques.

We've handled it two ways. 1) We identified to the school about 10 kids from Pre-K Leela's been friends with, a few of which we'd like to be in Leela's 1st grade class. We also identified a "best buddy" we'd like her to be in class with too! 2) Leela will have short term group counseling thru the school for coping skills (uhm right, I think the kids in the class should have diversity training, but that's a story for another day! If this keeps up in 1st grade, I will insist on this). The IEP goal is that she will play with other kids on the playground 50% of the time, and will join in with their games (she's been manufacturing the play situations, and then gets upset when the game shifts to someone else's idea. I know it's because she's controlling her environment to accomodate her disabilities, but she still has to flow with the other kids).

In addition, there's another class in our grade where there is a girl who is totally into bullying the other kids. She'll walk in one day and decide that child D is on her sh*t list for the day (the child changes each day), and torment that child relentlessly throughout the day. The school is unable to have assitance from the parents in correcting this situation. I made sure that Leela was NOT going to be placed in a class with that child.

I asked the school psych to observe Leela in a classroom setting, and also on the playground. She felt that Leela really didn't need the company of the other kids, she was quite content doing her own thing. Truth is, Leela has turned her back on the rest of the class, and is amusing herself. Tough little peanut. She has a couple of kids she's friendly with, but no real tried and true best friend. Leela's also decided she wants to do the afterschool program, so she can play with those kids, rather than not have any playdates. Solved her own problem, huh? I did insist to the school I want Leela in an environement where she will succeed socially as well as academically!

I am also going to be doing individual counseling with Leela, not only to help with coping skills but also to handle our divorce.

I'm so upset for you too, I'm so sorry to hear sweet Evan is in the same situation! Wish we lived closer!! HUGS and MUCH LOVE!!! N

[jeninnc]

That really sucks. Especially since you are friends with them.

Ironically, the little boy with autism in my older dd's class invited all Lacey's friends but her to his party. I am friends with his mom, too. In fact, I would say Lacey's about the nicest to him in the class. So it happens to typical kids too.

[amelia1]

That's not right! Especially since you took the one girl riding. Then to borrow a mixer from you?.....Unbelievable. Do you feel comfortable asking the mom's about it when you are at coffee? I think I would be hurt too.

[JulieATL]

I would be very hurt (and somewhat annoyed) in that situation too.....m

the nerve to have her child over to the horse barn and everything, then borrow the mixer for a party you're not invited to? Nerve! I'm sorry, I hate hate hate it when my ds is left out (which is quite often) and there's no way around it, but to feel slighted for them and for yourself. No words of wisdom just hugs from another mom who knows.

- Julie

[zoeyz]

I agree that that's just not right, after you've gone so out of your way to include her child in something special I'm of the opinion that a kid doesn't need a lot of friends, just 1 good friend is enough. We have yet to find that one good friend, unfortunately. DS will hang with almost anyone, but doesn't get invited to a lot of parties. He is 9. If it helps you to know, it doesn't mean that kids don't like your child. I can tell at school that kids like my son, but I guess they have not bonded enough to invite him to do things outside of school. It is a bit depressing, and I'm not sure how to improve the situation. Another possibility is that parties start getting smaller, same-sex only, and sometimes non-existent as kids get older. Hugs to you,

[anniemc2000]

Wish we lived closer too

L would be right in the middle of my 2 and they could play all day. Poor Leela, that is awful. She is a tough cookie though, and a real problem solver. I have to tell you the "best buddy" idea worked wonders for dd this year. She was being excluded by some of the other, more socially sophisticated girls, and was really stressed about who to sit with at lunchtime. Her teacher set her up with a lunch buddy, and lo and behold they have become "best friends." They both have some quirks for sure, but when they are together they feel like they can conquer the world, or at least the playground. I hope next year is a better year for you and Leela.
Hugs,
Ann

[anniemc2000]

Hugs, I am sorry

I do not understand why people would act this way, and it would make me sad also. We usually invite the whole class, or if there is a limit on the number of guests, at least all of the same gender in the class, to try to avoid hurt feelings. It is especially puzzling because you have been so good to them. Dd's preschool teacher is very good at incorporating the social stuff into the curriculum. She had been noticing a lot of little cliques forming, so she addressed it in the classroom by doing a lot of cooperative projects together and stressing the idea that they all are friends. It does seem to help, but in your school's case, she might also need to work with the parents on being inclusive!

I hope things get better.
Hugs,
Ann

[Val.]

Oh, that is Tanner too. He's been invited to two parties this year. But, I try to look at the bright side and be thankful that it means I only have to buy two presents. Ok, seriously, it hurts me, but Tanner seems unaffected. So, until it bothers him, I will consider it a non-issue.

[Erin M]

None here

I can't remember the last time my son was invited to a birthday party. He had his first playdate in 3 years this week. Luckily, he is so socially oblivious that it doesn't hurt him too much. But it makes me sad.

[NancyR]

Thanks Ann! Love the idea of lunch buddy at school (yep, the other socially trying time for Leela), what a smart teacher your dd has! So glad to hear your dd has a best bud, that's what it's all about and that's what helps you get thru! and, all they need is 1 good friend.

Wish we lived closer too!! thanks for the great idea!
Much love to your wee ones!! How is Yana healing?

xoxo! N

[sugarsue]

I totally agree!

(uhm right, I think the kids in the class should have diversity training, but that's a story for another day!

I spoke to my dd's school about diversity training for the kids. This was when we were going through the vote for or against uniforms. There is crazy teasing going on at the school about what clothes they wear. The bank where I work spends lots of money on diversity training and I believe we as a society needs to do a better job with our children from the get go for all areas of tolerance!

Hugs to you and Leela too!

Susan

[sugarsue]

Oh man

that really stinks. I am so sorry and I can imagine how you are feeling! Now you have me wondering because Savanna has not been invited to any parties either and I can't get her invited to play dates and have been wondering why. Hmmmmmm.... !!

Susan

[Joy38]

((((((hugs)))))))

It hurts. I am a person who doesn't like to hurt anyone so I try to include all of the kids in different things to the point where I inconvenience myself.
Long story short...I'm not doing that anymore for quite as many people.
When you have a child with special needs...you find out who your friends are and who your acquaintances are as far as I am concerned. Luckily...dd does have a few nice friends who really like her and they have really nice families.
LM

What a classic elem school nightmare, right? I was on the schoolyard this morning chatting with two other moms, women I consider friends, and one of them mentioned that she has to go buy a present for "Jane's" (not real name) birthday party. The other said "shoot, me too, and that's tomorrow!" Then they both looked at me and sort of cringed because they realized that Evan wasn't invited.

I feel really dumb because just last weekend, I put a *ton* of time and effort into having Jane and her family out to the barn where I keep my horse, and I let Jane ride (she is a horse-crazy little girl). This was a huge favor to them given all the hoops I had to jump through to get permission to bring her, and the sacrifice of my own time to ride, etc. etc. (which they knew). It seems a little nervy to me that they would not even invite Evan to a birthday party.

And, one of the moms I was chatting with this morning had a party for her son's birthday a couple of months ago. Evan wasn't invited to that either. And weirder, she had stopped by my house to ask to borrow a mixer to make a cake for the party that Evan wasn't invited to! At the time I told myself "well, maybe it's just a family party" but I later learned (when her son told Evan!) that it was a kid party and he just wasn't invited.

So thinking about this more, I realize that almost *all* of the kids in his class have turned 6 in the past 9 months and Evan has been invited to precisely *one* party -- for a little girl whose parents invited every single child in the class.

I feel so sad for him, and kind of bewildered too. And maybe it's petty but I am feeling personally dissed, also. At least two of these moms are people who'll call me, and I'll call them, for favors. We go out for coffee after drop-off sometimes. I can't help it, I am taking it personally that they would not invite my kid to their kids' birthday parties.

Just sad, and looking to share. Thanks for listening.

Lisa