How many of you are the middle child?

[DianeL]

Not how many of you have middle kids although I guess that's relevant too....so feel free to share input if you have anything. And I suppose this really belongs on the PAI board, but I don't visit there. Remove if needed.

I used to not buy into this, but seeing the dynamics of my three make me a believer.

Questions if you are a middle child:
-Did you ever "feel" like the middle child?
-If you did - was it only after you were an adult did you realize this or did you feel this way growing up (with or without the label)?
As a middle child, what do you think a parent can do to avoid this "syndrome"?

I wonder if the dynamic of 3 makes a difference as opposed to 4 or more kids??? With 4 there would technically be 2 middles.....hmmm.

Interestingly, my "middle" is a twin but she's the "textbook" middle child. They're fraternal and very different in personality. They don't really look alike either and size-wise they're 20+lbs apart so there's not much of a "twin" thing going on. She's a pretty easy-going personality (as opposed to her type A twin "textbook 1st child" and her somewhat bratty "textbook baby sister"). She isn't involved in a sport or activity and her two sisters are so it seems like they get more attention. She's also pretty shy. No, she's very shy and reserved. The fact is, if she wanted to basket weave I would take the time - get her the lessons, go to the competitions, etc.... I've tried to get her interested in something - but she hasn't found her niche as of yet. She just says no. As a tot - I enrolled them in dance, sports, etc. Most of the time she was miserable. She's a GREAT kid, a very pretty young lady, and a really good student. Sometimes I think she's just plain old sad though.....

She's good at playing the role of Cinderella and the martyr. She's a peacekeeper by nature and sometimes her sisters take advantage of that. She hates conflict too. I try to intervene when I see it. I want her to feel special and loved. I just read Nicolas Sparks' memoir. He was a middle child and some of the things he wrote about from his childhood gave me pause. He KNOWS he was loved, but it definitely affected him as a child and it was an interesting prospective to read.

So middle kids...what do you think? How can I combat this?

Oh, I've tried the spend the day together, each have individual time....in reality that just doesn't work out that often. She doesn't want to go to the store with me like the other two will or just be together while we do regular stuff. She'd rather say home and draw, watch tv, computer, etc. I could make a day "all about her", but doing that x3 will get expensive and I don't have 3 days a week/month I can dedicate like that...... that really sounds awful when I write it, but it's true. I am sure I would only let someone down if I tried to make this a planned thing. It has to be more random with my schedule.

Diane - aka - the baby of the family (and so was DH)

[freddy]

Its interesting how our position (and gender, I'd say) play a part in our position in the family. Dh and I are both youngests also, so we always joke that we both expect to get our way and we both expect someone else to take care of the details. I understand how it comes to be so much better after having my own kids than I did as a kid. I'm also extra sensitive to issues impacting the youngest. For example, being the youngest with two older brothers, I was never the fastest, strongest, bestest at anything physical, and since they were boys, physical is what it was all about. So I feel like I ended up with a wrong view of my capabilities, as they were always compared against two older boys, not against same aged girls. But I was better at academics, which was always put down because I was only in X grade, while they were doing much harder stuff in X+2 grade, and I tended to take their word for it.

So, my 8yo will race her 4yo sibling, and be thrilled that she beat her. I don't want to squash the 8yo (who truly believes that she is good at it because she's better than her younger sisters, and yet, compared to same age kids... well, that day will come, no need to rush it) and yet I don't wan the 4yo to always be last... slowest, weakest, smallest.... least.


My middle kid has plenty of hutspa, so I think she'll do fine. This doesn't really address your question, but I find the birth order thing very interesting, and I know that can only really understand the person at the bottom, since that was and always will be my position. But, as gender plays a role too, I'm always perplexed at having 3 girls. As the only girl, I held a favored spot in the family, and never had to compete for any of the stuff that comes with being a girl. I know nothing about the dynamics between sisters.

[Jeannie]

I am #3 out of 5

So yeah, classic middle kid. I fit the description too. I was shy as a child, always the peacekeeper, hating conflict. I craved my parents' affection but didn't know how to ask for it and honestly, it never occurred to me that I was even entitled to it.

As for the lack of interest in hobbies or activities etc., I am not so sure that has anything to do with being a middle. FWIW, my oldest is like that and I often try to suggest things he might like but I am trying now not to push so hard. The only thing I insisted on was that he pick one physical activity to participate in on a weekly basis. I have to keep the kid moving somehow!

[DianeL]

I don't think it has anything to do with her position...

but it makes it hard for us to focus attention on her for that specific thing (as opposed to the others). Like I said....if and when she tells me what she wants to do, we'll do it and she'll get her fair share.

Diane

[AmyIL]

omg - I have one of those too!

I could have written this post!! I can't wait to read the answers - I have twin girls who also don't look alike and totally do their own thing - one is athletic and the other is more crafty, etc. She is not interested in sports or joining things, loves to stay home and do her artwork, etc. She was born second and is the smaller twin - I worry about her - I think she feels left out that we go to all her twin sisters' and little sister's soccer games....I try and tell her it's ok to be who she is and she doesn't need to join something if she doesn't have too...but i worry...

Not how many of you have middle kids although I guess that's relevant too....so feel free to share input if you have anything. And I suppose this really belongs on the PAI board, but I don't visit there. Remove if needed.

I used to not buy into this, but seeing the dynamics of my three make me a believer.

Questions if you are a middle child:
-Did you ever "feel" like the middle child?
-If you did - was it only after you were an adult did you realize this or did you feel this way growing up (with or without the label)?
As a middle child, what do you think a parent can do to avoid this "syndrome"?

I wonder if the dynamic of 3 makes a difference as opposed to 4 or more kids??? With 4 there would technically be 2 middles.....hmmm.

Interestingly, my "middle" is a twin but she's the "textbook" middle child. They're fraternal and very different in personality. They don't really look alike either and size-wise they're 20+lbs apart so there's not much of a "twin" thing going on. She's a pretty easy-going personality (as opposed to her type A twin "textbook 1st child" and her somewhat bratty "textbook baby sister"). She isn't involved in a sport or activity and her two sisters are so it seems like they get more attention. She's also pretty shy. No, she's very shy and reserved. The fact is, if she wanted to basket weave I would take the time - get her the lessons, go to the competitions, etc.... I've tried to get her interested in something - but she hasn't found her niche as of yet. She just says no. As a tot - I enrolled them in dance, sports, etc. Most of the time she was miserable. She's a GREAT kid, a very pretty young lady, and a really good student. Sometimes I think she's just plain old sad though.....

She's good at playing the role of Cinderella and the martyr. She's a peacekeeper by nature and sometimes her sisters take advantage of that. She hates conflict too. I try to intervene when I see it. I want her to feel special and loved. I just read Nicolas Sparks' memoir. He was a middle child and some of the things he wrote about from his childhood gave me pause. He KNOWS he was loved, but it definitely affected him as a child and it was an interesting prospective to read.

So middle kids...what do you think? How can I combat this?

Oh, I've tried the spend the day together, each have individual time....in reality that just doesn't work out that often. She doesn't want to go to the store with me like the other two will or just be together while we do regular stuff. She'd rather say home and draw, watch tv, computer, etc. I could make a day "all about her", but doing that x3 will get expensive and I don't have 3 days a week/month I can dedicate like that...... that really sounds awful when I write it, but it's true. I am sure I would only let someone down if I tried to make this a planned thing. It has to be more random with my schedule.

Diane - aka - the baby of the family (and so was DH)

[seals]

I'm a middle child. But I also was the only girl so I think that negated a lot of the middle child syndrome. I had my own room and my brothers shared. They were 5 years apart and never got along that well although they didn't fight much. I fought more with my older brother (1.5 yrs older than me) when we were younger and my younger brother (3 years younger) as we got older. I was/am shy, hated conflict (despsite the fighting with my brothers!), had a small group of friends and did a lot of independent activities (reading, crafts, biking, etc). My older brother did everything right, had lots of friends, etc. My younger brother was more of a clown/attention getter.

Now I have an older DS and twin DSs 2 years younger. For the most part the older is a classic older, one of the twins is a classic middle and the other twin (younger by 1 minute) is the classic youngest. My twins look nothing alike and have somewhat different personalities (one is a drama king and the other one is steady and calm) but they do share some interests and activities, although I think that's easier with boys -- you got Legos and you got video games and they're happy. Also the whole friend thing is different with boys and they play with some of the same kids and some separate and they don't mind playing with each other most of the time.

[arielle17]

DH and I are both middle children, but I definitely fit the "middle child mold" and he does not at all. I'm the #3 of 5, and the middle sister too (#1boy, #2sister, #3ME, #4sister #5boy). Couple that with being shy, overweight all my life, and a sensitive cancer (not that I buy all that! lol), it was classic middle child syndrome. It doesn't help that my whole family knows that my little sister is my dad's favorite, and my older sister is my mom's favorite and who does that leave? Me and the boys. I could have written Jeanine's description, especially that part about wanting attention, but not knowing how to ask for it and being the peace maker.

Now, DH is the middle but the only boy and was CATERED to his whole life by his mom and eventually both his sisters were prompted to do so too. He doesn't have any of the issues, but now as adults our kids are left out while his 2 sisters and MIL concentrate on each other. I think that's more the a boy thing than middle child.

Now, that I have 3, I am seriously doing everything in my power to avoid making my #2 feel left out, taken for granted. Luckily my middle child's personality is larger than life...seriously, he will NOT be ignored, but I do notice that he craves attention. He's only 3 so that may be age, but I sure hope he keeps his adorable personality, but loses some of the need to "perform" for people all the time.

I'm not sure how you could prevent it, other than making sure she knows she's special and never comparing her to her sisters. I think it's so much of the child's innate personality, it's just magnified by their place in the "pecking order" so to speak.

[DianeL]

This statement....

I craved my parents' affection but didn't know how to ask for it and honestly, it never occurred to me that I was even entitled to it.


Is one I hear over and over, but you put it best. It's the "never occurred to me that I was even entitled to it" that I really find disturbing. I think she feels this way. When we do sit with her or say...hey, what about blah, blah, blah.... it's just not the same as with the other two.

I agree about innate personality and then being amplified by pecking order too... I think some of this is just her. I really love the fact that she's her own person and I love that she's a little quirky too (I am and I think it's awesome as long as you embrace it). Almost all my friends or people I enjoy being around are what I would call a little quirky too. She is her own person....but I still think she's sad, or lonely, or worried that she's not as important as the other two. She likes to blend in and go unnoticed a little too much. That's fine out since I know she can be painfully shy, but at home??? She does "bust" out every once in a while. And some of that is hormonal. Funny, I don't get upset with her when she does. The other two complain that "she never does anything wrong - you never get upset with her, etc" Well, the truth is....she doesn't do things to make me upset most of the time.

On the rare occassion that she does something to get herself into trouble, she punishes herself! She's really hard on herself most of the time and this troubles me too.

And the whole girl, hormonal thing at my house....well, it's just plain mind-boggling most days! That's a whole 'nother post! Whew!

Diane

[lisamac]

I'm the oldest of 3 girls

My youngest sister and I were heavily involved in activities and sports while my middle sister quietly stayed home. She was home a lot with my mom and learned to cook and do crafts. As adults now, I see that the skills she learned are much more valuable than the lay up I can shoot or the volleyball I can hit.

My middle sis is now a stay at home mom and makes the best gifts and holiday foods. Meanwhile I bring all the paper products to family gatherings. LOL. I did get more attention growing up but in the end I think her quiet personality and skills have served her very well and she is happy!!

I won all kinds of awards growing up and I find that as an adult I don't always feel good about myself unless I am recoginized by others. Perhaps a little less attention would have been a good thing? Don't get me wrong, I am doing well and I am happy but tend to be insecure without accolades.

Just another perspective to consider....

[DianeL]

I love this perspective!

thank you! Everyone has been so helpful and enlightening. I hope there's more to come.

You guys are the best!

It's all about balance.... everything is about balance. The key is learning how to create and keep balance for the majority of the time (I think being off balance is character building at times....but not too much - please!).

Diane