Evan isn't getting invited to any birthday parties

[SandyLM]

((Hugs)) It does hurt. And it's very hard.

We're in that exact situation at this very moment. My older dd (turning 10) was not invited to a birthday sleepover of a girl who she has been friend with since last year; who has been to our house for several playdates this school year and who has slept over twice this year. Now....I'm not complaining terribly because *I* don't like this girl and don't think she's a very good influence in many ways....but that's not the point.

Bumped into a mom yesterday at a local cafe where I was having lunch with a friend; her kids are in both my kids' homerooms so we see each other often but are not great friends....however....her dd's 10th party was last night and they were having 26 kids (outrageously large number for 4th grade!) and my dd was not invited. I don't know if my dd even knows.

My dd is just much less mature than many girls her age and it's really starting to show as they get ready for 5th grade. I have been toying with homeschooling for a while now (for many reasons) but these two social incidents are starting to push me toward doing it even more. The social competition in school settings is SO powerful. And it is all about age/grade expectations and not as much about compatibility between children.

Feeling your pain here. So sorry!

[Kathie]

This makes me sad...

But, does Evan seem to mind?

Sending you hugs!

Kathie and Alex, who has only 5 boys in his class, all with autism. He went to two parties this past school year. I think he could care less.

What a classic elem school nightmare, right? I was on the schoolyard this morning chatting with two other moms, women I consider friends, and one of them mentioned that she has to go buy a present for "Jane's" (not real name) birthday party. The other said "shoot, me too, and that's tomorrow!" Then they both looked at me and sort of cringed because they realized that Evan wasn't invited.

I feel really dumb because just last weekend, I put a *ton* of time and effort into having Jane and her family out to the barn where I keep my horse, and I let Jane ride (she is a horse-crazy little girl). This was a huge favor to them given all the hoops I had to jump through to get permission to bring her, and the sacrifice of my own time to ride, etc. etc. (which they knew). It seems a little nervy to me that they would not even invite Evan to a birthday party.

And, one of the moms I was chatting with this morning had a party for her son's birthday a couple of months ago. Evan wasn't invited to that either. And weirder, she had stopped by my house to ask to borrow a mixer to make a cake for the party that Evan wasn't invited to! At the time I told myself "well, maybe it's just a family party" but I later learned (when her son told Evan!) that it was a kid party and he just wasn't invited.

So thinking about this more, I realize that almost *all* of the kids in his class have turned 6 in the past 9 months and Evan has been invited to precisely *one* party -- for a little girl whose parents invited every single child in the class.

I feel so sad for him, and kind of bewildered too. And maybe it's petty but I am feeling personally dissed, also. At least two of these moms are people who'll call me, and I'll call them, for favors. We go out for coffee after drop-off sometimes. I can't help it, I am taking it personally that they would not invite my kid to their kids' birthday parties.

Just sad, and looking to share. Thanks for listening.

Lisa

[Love2bmom]

Oh, I'm so sorry! This sucks to hear. I wonder sometimes how things will turn out for my own children. My DD, who has sensory, gets funny sometimes at parties if it's too loud, but we make it through together. She gets invited to lots of parties - but then - I've become friendly with the moms. And I do wonder what it will be like when "all the kids in class" are not invited. Will our girl be left out? I'm just sorry you had to experience this and I DO think it was rude of that woman to ask for the mixer and then not even invite your child. If her child has a real problem with your child, can't she talk to you about it? For example, if her child were being bullied by your child (I'm SO not saying this is the case...I'm saying for example), and that bullied kid said "But mom, I don't want her at my party!", you can see where it would be tough. But if that woman is your friend, can't she talk to you about it? I have to say, if I were a friend of the woman, I'd have a talk to her and gently ask her if her child and yours were getting along okay, that sort of thing.

I want to reiterate that I'm not saying at all that your child did anything wrong...but I'd have to take it a step further and discuss it appropriately with the other mom.

With our DD, I've had to tell the girl scout troop leaders that my DD is having trouble at the meetings and to be patient. My girl will sulk/hang on me, etc. If I try to "drop her off", she says she does not want to go. I'm not trying to spoil her by staying (and a few other parents stay and it's welcomed by the troop leaders - they asked for it so they could get help cleaning up, etc), but trying to work through her issues.

Parenting isn't always easy, that's for sure. And I know the time will come when our DD is older and the million bday party invites will slow way down - but for now - we try to go to all the parties, expose her as much as possible to new friends - and hope like hell we are doing the right thing.

[angeleena]

Omg!

I was just feeling sorry for my girl because she has only been invited to ONE BDAY party her ENTIRE LIFE. But, nobody has been as overtly rude as what you describe. I am sorry to say that you have every right to feel slighted and I hope that you can ask them at coffee WHY?

How horrible.

I am so sorry,.


My heart hurts with you.

-Angi

[AnnieJo]

Big hugs to Evan, and to you! I sure do hate "moms behaving badly" situations...

I'm not a fan of big school-parties anyway, partly because I have no interest in throwing them myself. For my neurotypical 6-year-old, we've been having small parties where she invites 4 or 5 close friends and we just celebrate at our house (it's in the dead of winter, so it's nice to hole up). This year there were no school classmates, just playdate & church friends. So if she doesn't get lots of school invites -- and she only got a couple this year, even though she seems to be quite "popular" otherwise -- it's really only fair.

For Miriam, we've had bigger wingdings the past several years. We've made it a family party, inviting kids & parents both. She just turned 4 and at her party the other weekend there were 9 kids & 7 parents, and most of the party was out in our yard and deck. She's been invited to 3 parties this past year, though we only could attend one. I don't know how things will go once she's in elementary school herself, but I'm hoping that we continue to have strong enough church & neighborhood networks to blunt whatever difficulties we're bound to have with school socializing.

I hope you find some good ways to make the whole birthday celebration thing work for Evan. If only these things could be easier!!!

[trek]

Hugs. It is sad, but not uncommon. I strive for my oldest who is almost 9 to have at least one friend who lives within 15 miles so that does not happen. He has only been invited to 1 birthday a year since he was 5.